Tuesday, February 26, 2008

16 weeks, 4 days - Just so sad.

Yesterday, another pregnant blogger whom I read daily and have enjoyed sharing pregnancy with found out she's lost her tiny unborn twin boys at nearly 20 weeks. I just feel so sad for her and her family. I hope she's doing okay, although how could she be? I hope ... I just hope God and her family and the people around her can help ease her pain somehow. It's overwhelming even to contemplate what she's going through. I can't imagine living in it.

I had awful nightmares last night about losing OUR baby. Who has had a quiet 24 hours and so hasn't been reassuring me that he or she is okay as I would like him or her to. It's not unusual for this baby (and it wasn't for Bean) to be still and quiet for days at a time, though, so I'm trying hard to just let it be. Heaven knows there's no need to complicate this state of mind and heart with constant worry about what is really not even an anomoly.

It's just the shroud of shared grief and the aftertaste of those awful nightmares cast a pall over everything, and it's hard to shrug off a pall that is so real and so full of tangible, heart-rending empathy. I wish Beth could wake up from her nightmare as I have, and know that all is well with her babies. I wish that so badly. In a way I feel guilty that I HAVE woken up to find out reality is still as it was when I woke up yesterday, when she can't.

I don't know why these things happen. I don't really need to know, and I am thankful that when painful things like this happen I never question God's goodness or mercy. I add another question to my list and know I'll get the answer when God is ready to give it to me. I mean, I know many answers already to this one question - they are right there in the Bible, BUT somehow this particular question is one I won't feel has been fully answered until I meet God, look into His eyes, and hear the answer directly from Him.

I'm sorry, Beth. So very sorry.


{Karla} said...

beautifully written

Mari said...

This makes me sad too. My sister also lost twins at 20 weeks so it hits close to home. I'll be praying for Beth and her family.

AlaneM said...

My prayers to your friend & her family. I lost a baby at 7 weeks & that was incredibly painful but at 20 you are feeling pretty confident that danger is behind you. I hurt for her.

Lerin said...

Every mother's worst nightmare... I am so sorry for her, and for your shared grief.

The Birds Nest said...

I'm so sorry for her. I know what she is going through. I wasn't as far along either time, though. With the first miscarriage, I had to give a baby shower for one of my best friends just 2 days after I lost the baby. She felt like you- she felt guilty and told me that I didn't have to come. Although that was kind of her, I wouldn't have missed celebrating her upcoming birth for anything. I don't know what I'm trying to say except try not to have any more nightmares or feel guilty for having a healthy pregnancy. I will pray for Beth, and of course a smooth pregnancy for you.

Teachin' this mommy new tricks! said...

Oh that is so sad. I feel so bad for your friend. Hoepfully she has many friends and family that they can lean on.

My Lil Family