12 weeks, 1 day - belly itcher

There's a new picture in the belly gallery today, and I think you will notice a change this time. To me, the difference is huge, at least in feeling it from the inside. The skin over my entire abdomen itches off and on, and at night I feel gigantic! I think my uterus has definitely sprung up and out of my pelvis, not only because of the bloomed belly but also because I haven't had to get out of bed in the night for a pit stop since last Saturday night. The pressure is off down there for awhile, which is nice. I will most likely start wearing my new maternity tops while we're on vacation week after next - I could get away without them for awhile yet, but they are cute and comfortable and should be perfect for the temperatures down there since I've been buying things for springtime mostly so far. I bought a pair of khaki maternity pants today that I can wear now, really, even though my jeans are still fitting okay. I have maternity jeans and a pair of corduroys from last pregnancy but they are WAY too big for me right now and hopefully will remain so for many more months. I doubt I'll get much use out of those at all this time, actually. The majority of summer stuff I'll want this time will be casual dresses, I think. That's what I preferred with Bean.

I remember reading somewhere last pregnancy that a baby girl already has all of her eggs stored up in her own little body before she's born. It occured to me then and has struck me again recently that in a very real sense, I actually carried my own little potential grandchildren inside my body! And Nana carried Bean. And GeeGee (my grandmother) carried ME. Think about it - isn't that so amazing? Well, I think it is, anyway. If Peanut is a girl, I'll get to say I carried THOSE potential grandbabies, too. Neat.

Anyhoo. I have an itchy belly. The nausea has been back off and on. I want to say it's not quite as severe at its most severe, though. Maybe. And I've had a headache for two days, too, but it's mostly controllable with Tylenol.

WHEN I have the nausea and WHEN I have the headaches, I feel sad and depressed. I don't know if it's ONLY the headaches and nausea that cause the sadness and depression or if the depression comes along with the hormonal surges that cause the increased nausea and the headaches. I can say though that the weather, which has been extra cold, grey and, dare a hard core winter-lover say the word? miserable the past week, probably helps the depression find its foothold. Not being able to get out into the fresh air and/or just enjoy some sunlight makes the days so much longer for me and for Bean. Actually longer for me BECAUSE of Bean, I think, because I just get so weary of coming up with ways to entertain her and keep her stimulated.

When we're stuck inside all day, she gets stir crazy and begins literally tearing the house apart - drawer, cabinet and storage container contents get emptied out, my every task and activity gets supervised and meddled in, and she is constantly asking rapid-fire questions. It wears me out and makes me so grumpy! I do try to keep her occupied with games and books and coloring/drawing and so on, but when she's not been out to run around and burn off energy, her attention span's really short and her ability to focus and enjoy an inside activity limited. It's every mother's challenge and I know that, I just think it's doubly hard when the mother in question feels sick and exhausted and just wants to shrivel up in a corner alone for awhile.

I feel guilty - so guilty - for not being a FABULOUS Mama to her ALL THE TIME. She is such a gift and I want to "earn her" and help her develop and grow and learn and become every minute, but OOOOF! I have a fuse about a centimeter long and when she doesn't want to cooperate I just get SO put out with her. It's silly to feel that way about a three year old, but I do. ARGH.

I didn't officially mention it here, ever, but I got my hair cut pretty short last weekend. I'm not sure if it's the new style or hormones or a little bit of both but this stuff will NOT take or hold curl for anything! It won't even stay wrapped around a curling iron! I get it all rolled on there and little by little it just comes flopping back up and out, straight as a stick. Usually my hair curls easily and well, and has a bunch of natural waves and curls on its own.

I've noticed a tiny little dark spot like a freckle on my forehead, on the left side (my left) that I haven't seen before. But I don't have any skin tags anywhere so far, and I got several of those while I was pregnant with Bean. Several of THOSE have remained and are still there.

I still feel the baby moving occasionally but since the big uterine shift the movement isn't as detectable and it isn't in the same spot all the time like it was before. I guess little Peanut must've been squooshed up tight before the expansion project was completed and now he/she has more room to swim around. Good for Peanut!

My hands stink again. DARN IT. That's actually, in a way, worse than the nausea.

I've been super sleepy this week. Dozing off whenever I'm still for awhile and sleeping like a ROCK at night. The past two nights I've gone to sleep before 9:30 and slept straight through until morning without waking, even with snowplows working right outside the bedroom windows almost all night. One morning I slept through Al getting up and taking a shower, which is completely unheard of generally. I usually wake up because I hear his eyes open. SERIOUSLY. I'm a very light sleeper. But not lately.

And the DREAMS. Wow. So vivid and so full of memories and people/things/situations from my past. Old boyfriends who come back into my life and I'm dating them and all I can think the whole time is OH THIS IS AWFUL! I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH THIS PERSON I WANT TO BE WITH AL! (Which is really great, you know, when I wake up, because I AM WITH AL and he's right there beside me and WHEW! I wouldn't have it any other way!) I just recall thinking when I was pregnant with B and had these same dreams that my subconscious must need to test out all these different scenarios and want me to once again BE SURE that Al is THE ONE, because you know with a kid and now another one on the way, it'd stink to figure out that he wasn't. Even though my conscious, intentional mind KNOWS he is, somewhere in there my subconscious has to test it all out again. And man, do I ever pass the test every time.

I sortof enjoy it. It validates me. And makes me appreciate the bond Al and I have even more, and believe in myself and my loyalty and commitment even more. I feel sortof even more WHOLE in an area where I have felt very broken in the past. That's a good feeling.

I've also dreamt about all my kitties that have come and gone from my life. My first "babies." In my dreams they are happy and healthy again and I'm caring for them and loving on them. Those dreams are just simple and sweet and nostalgic. They're harder to wake up from because I love being in the moment with them and it's sad to have them leave me again. But you know, peacefully sad.

I guess the overarching theme is maybe the re-tying up of loose ends? I don't know. I am not one to spend much time dwelling on the past in my conscious mind.

I've spent a few moments these past few days being scared something will be wrong with Peanut. Like a major chromosomal problem like Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18, etc. Normally I don't worry but it creeps in on occasion and I ponder how we'd handle it - what it would do to us. Would we be the same people we are now if we had to deal with a tragedy? Would we cling to each other and get through it together or would I pull away from Al (which is what I've always done in the past when bad things have happened) and retreat into myself? I don't know. I am a very different person in many ways than I was the last time I dealt with a very sad or difficult situation. I pray Peanut will be healthy and normal, of course. What mother doesn't?

I have one more thought sortof rolling around in my brain but it's part of a major topic that needs to be addressed in another post, so I think I'll just wait.

One more week and I'll call it a trimester, I think.