Tuesday, November 27, 2007

waiting for the happy hormones

Yesterday was no fun! Except reading comments/notes here... those were fun.

I spent the whole day in bed, trying to sleep but not being all that successful except a few catnaps here and there, maybe a total of 2 hours over the course of the day. Al took care of Bean, and was very sweet to me. Bean was extra cute, too.

I am freaking out. I'm sad, depressed, scared, angry... all the things I shouldn't be. All the things I've been afraid I would be if I ever got pregnant again. What if I don't get over these feelings? What if this baby is doomed to be resented? What if I can't love it?

I was just so done with this baby phase of life. I don't know if I can do it again. I'm just finally feeling like I can do a few things that I want to do... the new blog, a few household/crafting projects. I feel, with Bean at 3, so ... free. Well, free-er than I did when she was small. I'm having to adjust my thinking about everything now. We'd planned to start traveling again - we were dating and feeling young and in love again. I could see the future - us, Bean... taking on the world together. She's so easy to do things with, so happy and flexible and grown up for her age.

I don't know. I'm just not in a very baby place right now.

I feel so different from the way I felt when I found out about Bean. I was soooooooooo elated. Felt so peaceful and ready and started planning and dreaming of her immediately. This time I'm still thinking maybe it's a mistake... maybe a false positive? Maybe life can just stay how it is afterall?

I know this all sounds awful. You're all so happy and excited and here I sit, the MAMA of the baby, wishing I could BE excited, waiting for those feelings to kick in. What if they don't?

I don't want to share myself with anyone else right now. I want to be Bean's Mama and Al's wife. I'm good at those things, most days.

Physically, I do wonder if some of this nausea is morning sickness. I know at least part of it is the bug because I've had fever and diahrrea too and that's not common in morning sickness, plus the timing of when it started. I feel a little bit better this morning although still nauseous (but not vomiting) and I still have awful diahrrea. (Sorry!) I do think the fever is gone right now because the aches are gone. I still just wan to sleep all day but that won't be an option because Al has to go to work for sure and the painters will be here all day again finishing the living room.

I've had a few of those sharp little electrical twingey feelings in my left nipple since last Friday... I remember those from early in my pregnancy with Bean. I've also had a few one-sided little pains in my pelvic area, too, just like with Bean. I had lots of spotting from mid-cycle to just a few days ago, but nothing at all since Saturday. My skin seems very clear.

I've lost about 4 pounds in the last 36 hours, and I weigh about 129.5 this morning, maybe a little big less. I'm drinking water and I ate a few crackers last night, but other than that, the thought of anything to eat or drink just sounds awful. I didn't have any morning sickness with Bean, so I'll be interested to see if the nausea I feel today goes away with the bug or if maybe I'm going to have some this time. I sure hope not.

Al seems somewhat bothered and confused by my reaction to all this news. He's wanted another baby for awhile now, though I think he'd finally accepted that we weren't going to do it. When I showed him the test Sunday night, he couldn't see the second line for a long time, and then he finally did. He didn't seem happy or unhappy, though. He just went to bed and slept all night while I worried and tossed and turned and then the bug hit and I was busy vomiting while he slept. I don't know how to tell him what I need from him. I don't KNOW what I need from him. He was so much better yesterday - smiling and playing with Bean and taking care of me. He hasn't said much about this baby, other than a few times saying, "See how sweet Bean is? You know you wanna have another one just like her!"

I wish it were that simple. I really really do.

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