Friday, July 25, 2008

38 Weeks. Still Pregnant!

He's still in there!

On Monday at the OB, Dr. Howey put her hands on my belly and kinda stood there, holding it and jiggling it and thinking. She was guessing his weight because Al has been asking me every time I've had an appointment "How much does he weigh now?" and I wanted to have an answer for him this time. Dr. Howey says she is RARELY off by more than 4 oz., either way and she guesses Peanut's at about 7 lbs., 7 oz. right now. Or, right then, which was four days ago.

Me? I still weigh 152, which keeps my weight gain steady at 22 lbs. I'm guessing that'll probably be about it for this pregnancy, because it's unlikely I'll gain anymore between now and the birth, since I can't eat much at all without feeling very uncomfortable. That's four pounds less than I gained with Bean, and she didn't even weigh 7 lbs. when she was born.

Oh and also during the internal exam, she said I'm now slightly effaced and slighty softened. I know that's no major sign of pending labor, but it IS something. I think things have changed some since then, too. I have a few little cramps off and on all day most days, but nothing ever organized or more than just slightly uncomfortable. My hips don't do that aching, stretchy thing anymore, but my lower back still gets hurty at night, and I get that stretching and pulling sensation in my lower abdomen, too, just below the bump.

My belly is HUGE. I mean, to me it is. The rest of me is just normal-looking. I am really interested to see and feel what it's like to not be pregnant. The interesting thing about being my age and pregnant is that honestly? I don't remember what it felt like to NOT be pregnant anymore. But I hear it's pretty good stuff!

I just can't wait to have a little energy again and NOT BE SWEATING 24/7. But as I recall the sweating gets worse before it gets better.

I'm also stressing a little bit about labor/delivery AND recovery time, since it looks like Peanut may be bigger than Bean by quite a bit. I know I shouldn't worry. I should be GLAD he'll be bigger as maybe it'll mean he can eat more and sleep better and all that stuff. And my body can accomodate a bigger baby, I'm sure, without, you know, splitting in half. It's all just fear of the unknown and that ongoing concern about the "other shoe dropping" when I had such a great experience delivering Bean. Well, maybe I'll get to have TWO great experiences.

This week was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. You know, just the whole being huge and pregnant and hot and tired and exaus-trated thing, and being alone all day every day with Bean, who's a great kid, but a kid with a need for entertainment and attention. It's hard to just keep plugging away as a mother and a homemaker and a wife and all that when a large portion of me is so ready to just crawl off and make a nest in a closet somewhere and wait quietly, alone, for "my time." In my life, I've grown accustomed to being "rescued" when things get so I can't bear them anymore, and this is one of those very adult times in my life when a rescue just isn't coming. This is my life. My family. No one else is coming to take them over for me, and that's just how it is. Period.

And it's a strange feeling. Each day Al's alarm clock goes off at 5:00 AM and I feel sooooooooooooo sad he's leaving again, leaving me here to cope, to care for Bean and keep things running. I just feel this sense of "I JUST CAN'T DO IT AGAIN TODAY!" but the sun rises and Bean wakes up and finds me and off we go again. And I make it. The sun sets and Al gets home and we go to bed and that's that. I'm alive and I made it another day. Plug, plug, plug.

And other times it's all fine. I'm fine, I'm in charge, I'm on top of things, I do projects and make meals and I can laugh and enjoy it all as if everything's normal. But I never seem to know which feeling will prevail in a day - which direction my mouth-corners will be pointing.

Bean ran over to greet my friend Kim yesterday when Kim came home from work. I wasn't standing right there at the moment, but Kim shared their exchange with me later.

"Hi Bean. How's your Mom today?"
"Better."
"Better from what?"
"Oh, you know, the BABY... And... she's not SIGHING today."

That sums it up. Some days I sigh All. Day. Long. These long, pathetic, heavy sighs that make Bean say, "Mama, why are you sighing like that?" in a worried tone.

And other days, no sighing. I feel bad Bean has to be burdened with it at all, though.

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I think Peanut is making poo-poo noises in my tummy. Do babies do that? Every so often when I'm just sitting or standing still, I get this short little bubbling sensation accompanied by a little "squiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirt" noise, right in the upper right side of my belly, right where P's bummy usually is. It feels and sounds just like a little underwater poo-poo noise. (Not that I'd know anything about such a thing!)

He doesn't move all that much anymore. I mean, I feel him squirm and adjust position, but I just think he is so crammed in there now that mostly he just has to hang out and be still. I feel bad for him... I hope he can come out soon. I'm ready for him to be close to me on the outside. I want to see his face and his skin and hold him and rock him and smell him. I want him to see us... all of us... and know we belong to him and he to us. It feels like he'd be lonely in there, and wondering, "Is this all there is then? This dark, cramped place, this constant dampness and the muffled sounds of voices but no loving family to go with them?" It's time for him to be one of us now. I miss him. I feel his absence when I read stories to Bean. Even though he's right here.

I wonder every day - what does he look like? We still have two names for him and depending on what he looks like, he'll get one name or the other. It's weird - I just can't settle on one or the other this time. If he has darker skin and eyes his name will be one thing, and if his coloring is more similar to Bean's it'll be another. I guess. But I just don't know for sure, and that's a strange feeling.

I could go on and on. But it'd just be the continued ramblings of a tired, impatient expectant mother, so I think I'll go post new pictures in the belly gallery and seek a little nap for myself while B's asleep. One thing I can do quite well these days, blessed mercy that it is, is SLEEP.

9 comments:

Jemma said...

Oooh it's sooo close now and soooo exciting! I can't wait to hear the name, and see what he looks like!

I'm gonna place a bet that he'll be 8lbs 7 oz when he finally makes his appearance.....and don't worry you'll be fine and have another lovely birth story to tell :)

AlaneM said...

Your baby belly is georgious girl, I wish I could give it a pat & feel your lil squirmer :)

I remember those days but I had to have help. I wasn't allowed to pick up Sam for the last month of my pregnancy. It was half relief & half sadness. His grandma became more mommy than me for awhile...but it helped him transition to sharing mommy with 2 new babies.

Bean is a wise lil girly - don't feel too bad for her though, this is gradually getting her ready for being a big sis. And it sounds to me like she's going to be a great one!

Hang in their girl, the big day is getting closer by the minute.

twithhoney said...

We had two potential names for Princess and we knew the moment we met her which one was her name. And I still think we made the right choice.

I think it is time for some dark chocolate melt-a-ways. I still think that's what induced my labor during the 38th week. Princess got a taste of that stuff and wanted to come out and get some more.

Should I send a labor inducing care package in the mail?

Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry said...

You are doing a wonderful, amazing job as a full term pregnant Mommy. I'm very, very proud of you.

Mari said...

Oh yes - I remember that tired of being pregnant last few week. You're almost done! Can't wait for Peanut to be here!

Cassandra said...

Don't worry about the baby being bigger... We had a girl first, 7 lbs 3 oz, and then a boy who was 8 lb 12 oz at birth.

Everything about my delivery and recovery was leaps and bounds better with baby #2!

Less time (delivering), less stitches, less days in the hospital, less engorgement when my milk came in, etc. The differences between the two experiences were like night and day.

Anyway, hang in there! Great belly shots!

Leigh said...

Love the belly photos!! And I understand how you feel about the labour/delivery. I has such a great experience when Emily was born, I am worried that I can't be as lucky this time round as well. It will just have to be even better eh!

And I have a question for you. How often do you get internal exams? Only asking because here in NZ, I think the only internal I ever had was when I was in labour and arrived at the hospital.

Rambling On said...

Plug, plug, plug, mama bear. Yes, this is what we always seem to do. It is so hard sometimes, but so worth it and rewarding, and really woudl we have it any other way? I can only imagine how you are feeling now, anxious with anticipation and unable to fulfill the constant needs of a soon to be 4 year old who really is a great kid!! I think the same things with Cami...that is isn't fair to him that I don't have the energy or the patience to do this and this and then I try to tell myself, this too is part of the learning process of him having a sibling. Our family isn't all about him anymore.It's funny, cause Bean is getting it right now and when the baby gets there, it will all make such glorious sense to her. 38 weeks is so close and yest so far and OH!! What will that baby look like and its alomost like you can reach in and just about feel him, but not quite. Soon enough though!! 22 pounds weight gain. You lucky lady!! I am so jealous. You wait, this baby is gonna just pop right out, latch right on, and sleep straight through the night:)
Heather

Rebekah said...

"sighing" thats funny Bean said that. The other day I sighed heavily and Caleb asked, "Are you upset or just tired?"

"have I been that bad lately?" I asked.

My Lil Family