38 Weeks. Still Pregnant!

He's still in there!

On Monday at the OB, Dr. Howey put her hands on my belly and kinda stood there, holding it and jiggling it and thinking. She was guessing his weight because Al has been asking me every time I've had an appointment "How much does he weigh now?" and I wanted to have an answer for him this time. Dr. Howey says she is RARELY off by more than 4 oz., either way and she guesses Peanut's at about 7 lbs., 7 oz. right now. Or, right then, which was four days ago.

Me? I still weigh 152, which keeps my weight gain steady at 22 lbs. I'm guessing that'll probably be about it for this pregnancy, because it's unlikely I'll gain anymore between now and the birth, since I can't eat much at all without feeling very uncomfortable. That's four pounds less than I gained with Bean, and she didn't even weigh 7 lbs. when she was born.

Oh and also during the internal exam, she said I'm now slightly effaced and slighty softened. I know that's no major sign of pending labor, but it IS something. I think things have changed some since then, too. I have a few little cramps off and on all day most days, but nothing ever organized or more than just slightly uncomfortable. My hips don't do that aching, stretchy thing anymore, but my lower back still gets hurty at night, and I get that stretching and pulling sensation in my lower abdomen, too, just below the bump.

My belly is HUGE. I mean, to me it is. The rest of me is just normal-looking. I am really interested to see and feel what it's like to not be pregnant. The interesting thing about being my age and pregnant is that honestly? I don't remember what it felt like to NOT be pregnant anymore. But I hear it's pretty good stuff!

I just can't wait to have a little energy again and NOT BE SWEATING 24/7. But as I recall the sweating gets worse before it gets better.

I'm also stressing a little bit about labor/delivery AND recovery time, since it looks like Peanut may be bigger than Bean by quite a bit. I know I shouldn't worry. I should be GLAD he'll be bigger as maybe it'll mean he can eat more and sleep better and all that stuff. And my body can accomodate a bigger baby, I'm sure, without, you know, splitting in half. It's all just fear of the unknown and that ongoing concern about the "other shoe dropping" when I had such a great experience delivering Bean. Well, maybe I'll get to have TWO great experiences.

This week was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. You know, just the whole being huge and pregnant and hot and tired and exaus-trated thing, and being alone all day every day with Bean, who's a great kid, but a kid with a need for entertainment and attention. It's hard to just keep plugging away as a mother and a homemaker and a wife and all that when a large portion of me is so ready to just crawl off and make a nest in a closet somewhere and wait quietly, alone, for "my time." In my life, I've grown accustomed to being "rescued" when things get so I can't bear them anymore, and this is one of those very adult times in my life when a rescue just isn't coming. This is my life. My family. No one else is coming to take them over for me, and that's just how it is. Period.

And it's a strange feeling. Each day Al's alarm clock goes off at 5:00 AM and I feel sooooooooooooo sad he's leaving again, leaving me here to cope, to care for Bean and keep things running. I just feel this sense of "I JUST CAN'T DO IT AGAIN TODAY!" but the sun rises and Bean wakes up and finds me and off we go again. And I make it. The sun sets and Al gets home and we go to bed and that's that. I'm alive and I made it another day. Plug, plug, plug.

And other times it's all fine. I'm fine, I'm in charge, I'm on top of things, I do projects and make meals and I can laugh and enjoy it all as if everything's normal. But I never seem to know which feeling will prevail in a day - which direction my mouth-corners will be pointing.

Bean ran over to greet my friend Kim yesterday when Kim came home from work. I wasn't standing right there at the moment, but Kim shared their exchange with me later.

"Hi Bean. How's your Mom today?"
"Better."
"Better from what?"
"Oh, you know, the BABY... And... she's not SIGHING today."

That sums it up. Some days I sigh All. Day. Long. These long, pathetic, heavy sighs that make Bean say, "Mama, why are you sighing like that?" in a worried tone.

And other days, no sighing. I feel bad Bean has to be burdened with it at all, though.

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I think Peanut is making poo-poo noises in my tummy. Do babies do that? Every so often when I'm just sitting or standing still, I get this short little bubbling sensation accompanied by a little "squiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirt" noise, right in the upper right side of my belly, right where P's bummy usually is. It feels and sounds just like a little underwater poo-poo noise. (Not that I'd know anything about such a thing!)

He doesn't move all that much anymore. I mean, I feel him squirm and adjust position, but I just think he is so crammed in there now that mostly he just has to hang out and be still. I feel bad for him... I hope he can come out soon. I'm ready for him to be close to me on the outside. I want to see his face and his skin and hold him and rock him and smell him. I want him to see us... all of us... and know we belong to him and he to us. It feels like he'd be lonely in there, and wondering, "Is this all there is then? This dark, cramped place, this constant dampness and the muffled sounds of voices but no loving family to go with them?" It's time for him to be one of us now. I miss him. I feel his absence when I read stories to Bean. Even though he's right here.

I wonder every day - what does he look like? We still have two names for him and depending on what he looks like, he'll get one name or the other. It's weird - I just can't settle on one or the other this time. If he has darker skin and eyes his name will be one thing, and if his coloring is more similar to Bean's it'll be another. I guess. But I just don't know for sure, and that's a strange feeling.

I could go on and on. But it'd just be the continued ramblings of a tired, impatient expectant mother, so I think I'll go post new pictures in the belly gallery and seek a little nap for myself while B's asleep. One thing I can do quite well these days, blessed mercy that it is, is SLEEP.