Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Twelve Days Post Partem, Another Peanut Nurse-a-thon

OY, people.

Is it too late to go back to the hospital?


I'm fine, just really, really tired out and looking back at the past 12 days in a bit of a daze. My mom left a few hours ago with Al and Bean to go to the airport and then home. Which is fine - she was a huge help with the cooking and household stuff while she was here but it's time for us to start easing into being just the four of us, now, and I know my Mom needs to get home and get on with her own life in her new home.

But I could really use a day or two of bedrest and pampering, I think.

Peanut has been such a great little baby so far. Really different from Bean, although probably the difference is in ME moreso than in my two children. Peanut's had the benefit of a mostly calmer mother, a better start to breastfeeding, and even a sweet big sister to swing by occasionally to kiss and hug him.

I have so much to say about these first days - about this amazing emotional transformation I've been through since Peanut was born, about how incredibly happy I've felt, how much more ME now, in such a short time. There's almost a sense of enlightenment in my thinking, as if a blinder's been ripped from my eyes after nine months in virtual darkness. And it's not all about the physical discomfort of the pregnancy ending because really the end of the pregnancy was fine, physically, it's just the CLARITY with which I can now truly see the depression I was in, and how deep it was, and how completely it had pervaded my life and my thoughts. I have no real explanation for it other than, well, "Hormones!" I just know that now, comparing my feelings today with those I had two weeks ago, even, I am hardly the same person at all. I feel like I owe everyone around me a huge apology for being so down and lethargic and just ... pitiful.

I want to recount every minute I spend with Peanut, and with Bean and Peanut together.

I want to talk about breastfeeding - how much better things are but how even now the smallest little issue sends me crashing into fear and doubt all over again.

I want to talk about the nights - how Peanut (so far) has already been sleeping up to FOUR HOURS at a strech at night, so I can feed him once before I go to bed (between 10 and 11 PM), once in the wee morning hours (between 2 and 3 AM) and then one more time just as it's time to get up (between 5 and 6 AM). He sleeps into the morning after that last feeding, so I have time to get up and drink coffee and eat and get some things done before he's up again between 8 and 9.

I'm also anxious to get the birth story written and I've been working on it in my mind for the past few days, just trying to begin unraveling those hours in my own head. There's a lot to tell, a lot to try to sort out for myself in terms of timing and logistics, and so much to work through emotionally because as you can imagine, things didn't go at all the way I'd hoped or expected, and even though the outcome was perfect in the end, there were some moments that I know I'll have to mull over quietly and come to terms with before I can write though them here.

Today though, I just have to be content to get this much out and down on "paper" then rest and relax and wait for the right time to work on the rest. Peanut's had a rough day today, his first, really. He woke up in the morning at 8 AM and really hasn't settled well for another good sleep since then, and he's been wanting to nurse non-stop despite seeming quite unhappy at the breast when he's there. I finally gave him some Mylicon (gas drops) about 45 minutes ago and while I can still hear him stirring and grousing from time to time, he's finally drifted off to sleep starting around 2 PM. TOO LONG TO BE AWAKE for a little guy his age!

And the girls are protesting all the sucking in a big way, too.

Oh, and I've pumped at least once a day the past few days and gotten a full and easy 3 oz. each time, which is WAY MORE than I was EVER able to pump with Bean, no matter how old she got. So I was excited about that -- I just wish I could produce it fast enough to get Peanut all full up whenever I fed him, regardless of how long it's been since the last time, because Peanut LOVES to be completely stuffed before he goes to sleep -- nothing else will do for him! So when he stays up for such a long time, I have a hard time giving him what he needs when he's finally ready to go to sleep, because he's nursed so often and so recently.

But all the sucking today should make for a lovely, milky day tomorrow.

And the nibbles will recover in a few hours - they're amazing like that.


Mari said...

I'm glad the nursing is going well - despite the frequency. I remember those sore ninnies!
How I wish I lived near you - I would love to hold Peanut and watch Bean and let you have all kinds of rest and pampering!

Anonymous said...

YAY the "2" thing really does work. 2 weeks and you feel better emotionally. YAY. See neighbor Tracei isn't crazy about number and their significance. lol


Melissa said...

I, too, am glad that all is going so well in the breastfeeding department...and with excess, to boot! Good for you!! And good for Peanut!

Jemma said...

Wow I struggled to get 3oz even with Jove! Your milk truly has come in this time :)

I'm so happy you're feeling happy! I got a kind of reverse PND with both of mine and it made those tough early days when they feed round the clock so much easier. Sounds like you have it too this time :)

The most acurate list of growth spurt timings I found was this one....
In fact that website was invaluable generally for all my breastfeeding questions as they popped up.

Gotta agree too tat it's not worth even considering a routine (as tempting as it is) until he's at least 3 months old. You'll be surprised how fast it passes and it is so much easier to stay calm and go with the flow of changing feeding times if ou're not trying to force a routine.

Still super happy for you, it's funny little Matthew's birth is the first baby in a long time that has actually made me broody ;)

Kristin @ Blue Skies said...

I am not a mom yet, however I can't thank you enough for being open and vulnerable with your posts. I've learned a lot by reading through your experiences and I'm so thankful for your insight.

Congratulations on the little Peanut!!

Rebekah said...

has it been two weeks already? Glad things are falling into place

Rambling On said...

Megan, I so long to hear that birth story of yours. I know it will be cathartic for you to replay it in words, shed some tears of lost expectations, and then turn it back into who you are and have become as a result of it. Believe me, I know how it can be. As for the pregnancy doom and gloom cloud that was over your head...I can relate to that too. I feel like I am just floating thorugh the motions of life, completely useless to myself and the others around me. It bites big time, but in the end, I knwo the clouds will dissipate and the baby moon will begin and all will be right again. I am so glad to hear your optimism with the nursing. There will be hard days and easy days...heck, hard minutes and easy minutes, but you will feel such joy in the end and you will feel this bond with other breastfeeding mothers that is unexplainable. It is truly a major accomplishment and the longer you can do it, the more it feels like that. We are hear for you, girl...always. Heather and Cami

linds said...

Can't wait to hear the official birth story. :)

GinaRose said...

Sounds like it's going wonderfully, despite a little soreness here and there. Congratulations again! Peanut sounds absolutely wonderful :)

Kelly @ Love Well said...

I'm impressed your nibbles are doing so nicely. It takes mine about a month to adjust to the constant torture.

Hope you get some rest, sweet thing, even with Mama gone. You're doing GREAT!

Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

I know all about depression, but usually I am a happy pregnant woman, mine kicks in afterwards!

Either way I have some great (unsolicited) easy advice for you - take 4 fish oil capsules a day. DHA levels go nuts after birth and can bring on more depression - fish oil can help keep the baby blues away. Plus, your baby will be brilliant.

I used one brand that made my baby smell like a fish - I switched brands and did not have the problem again.

My Lil Family