Monday, December 3, 2007

4 weeks, 3 days

Still not sleeping that great. I went to bed last night at 9:30 PM but woke up at 1:45 and couldn't get back to sleep for more than an hour. Then I was up for the day at 5 AM.

I have zero symptoms of pregnancy right now, which is fine, except maybe I have increased appetite and food really does taste good - like amazingly good - to me. I'm still wanting that same salad I described yesterday. I've now eaten it for 5 lunches running. I seem to want savory things more than sweet, which is how it also always is during my "ladies time." I didn't want sweets often while pregnant with Bean, either. If I felt like splurging with some extra calories I almost always went for something cheesy and salty.

I am still thinking about MY GIRLS. I need to stop this immediately but my brain will not comply. This afternoon as I was having lunch across the table from Bean, I was imagining myself introducing her to her baby sister for the first time, "This is Bean, little one, she's your big sister. You don't know this yet, but she's going to be your best friend in the whole world for the rest of your life."

And then I had to change the subject in my head so I didn't openly weep right there into my salad bowl. Honestly, if I just let my brain do what it seems to want to do right now, I would just be lying around in a puddle of tears all day every day, making up little baby fantasies to cry over. I don't remember this from last time, but maybe like Jenn says, having that first baby turns all that stuff on.

I was telling Al last night that THIS time, this time after the baby arrives I AM going to take it easy for a few weeks. I AM. You ladies need to make sure I do, if you can. I was so ridiculous last time and I just wasted myself and those precious precious first few days with Bean by trying to do everything - to get things "back to normal" for the household and life well before anyone would have remotely expected it, well before it was time, really. And I paid for that in so many ways with Bean. Obviously we're both fine in the end, but I wish I could go back now and redo her first weeks in a softer, cozier, more mother-child centered way. There is a lot of advice I know I'll ignore this time around.

I am also getting a proper, real sling instead of using the Snugli right away. It worked okay, but I think a sling would be more supportive and easier to manage when the baby is tiny. I loved wearing Bean so much, but again because of sage "advice" I felt guilty for doing it and so didn't really ENJOY the experience as I should have.

I need to make a doctor's appointment but with Al's illness over the weekend I've completely fallen behind on everything I want to get done and I just FORGET in my haste to catch up that I need to do that. I will though. They probably won't want to see me until 6 weeks or so anyway and it's a practice that isn't that full, so the doctor has been pretty easy to get in to see so far.

I am awfully tired and still need to make the dough for the gingerbread house and set up a Christmas tree craft for Bean and me to do after her nap, so I guess I should leave this and come back to it later, maybe.

Oh, I had more cramps last night from dinner time until I went to bed and I'm having them again right now, but there's been no blood and my cervix is closed up tight. I think it's just the 'settling in' cramping.

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