Sunday, December 9, 2007

5 weeks, 2 days - waterworks

I'm still an emotionally scattered mess today. I keep wondering when that will go away. I just don't remember it from my pregnancy with Bean. Just weird things set me off, make me want to cry, or send me reeling into a sad, depressed funk. Today I walked into our bedroom and saw Bean's pink teddy bear lying on our bed and BOOM! I wanted to sink to my knees on the carpet... right there in the middle of the floor, and SOB, WAIL, FALL TO PIECES. Yet I have NO idea why. It just made me feel so completely sad and hopeless to see that bear on our bed. WHAT ON EARTH?

Also, MANY Christmas songs do the same thing. "And So This Is Christmas" - originally a John Lennon song, but sung by Celine Dion, which I wouldn't like anyway because I can't STAND Celine Dion, but I could tolerate, now makes me want to just SCREAM outloud and maybe do some sortof of damage to things around me. It's just awful.

So that's just hormones, I suppose. And that's the only thing I've got goin' on right now.

Although my breasts are slightly, and I mean very slightly, tender today.

Anyway RIGHT after the Bear episode today, which wasn't really an episode because I held it together despite my longings to dissolve into a puddle, I lay down for a short nap, joined by Al. And when he lay down, I started telling him, finally, what a WRECK I feel like inside. And finally.


The tears came.

And they came and came and came. And I sobbed a little bit. And cried. And I TRIED to explain, but you really can't, can you? How insane it feels to be me right now.

How I am so sad, and lonely, and worried and panicked, and then I think about WHAT IT IS THAT I AM SO ALL THAT ABOUT and there's just nothing there, really, to pin it on. It's just. THERE.

And it is so not me. SO TERRIBLY AWFULLY DIFFICULTLY NOT ME. I mean I have my moments, but generally they just go away, but this time, I'm just a disaster. For weeks now. Only no one would know, really, except maybe... MAYBE... Bean, because she's always right there and when I get caught up in a bout of WHATEVER IT IS, I just fade away from her and she must notice that.

I still haven't had a good night's sleep. STILL. And it's getting to be sortof torture, this waking up at 12:30 or 1:00 AM just WIDE AWAKE, and then knowing I HAVE to get back to sleep. I just HAVE to. Or else.

It is really. The worst. Kind of hell! Insomnia. I loathe it. And with my emotions the way they are, I just don't want to risk taking anything to help me sleep because that stuff generally makes me depressed even when I'm doing fine emotionally. I fear what might happen if I were to get SADDER.

It's just so freakish.

Anyway after the sweet release after all those tears, I got held and cuddled and told, "Don't worry, little Mama, I've got your back." (He is such a guy sometimes!) and "I won't let anything happen to you!"

And he finally asked, "What can I do to help make it better?" and I just told him to be patient with me and my moods, listen, help me with Bean, give me some time alone, etc. And maybe he will. He has to go out of town for part of the week this week, but I think I'll be fine. Maybe I'll sleep better with him gone those few nights, who knows?

I took a short nap all cuddled up close to him and then we woke up STARVING just in time for Nicki to arrive bearing a beautiful dinner of salad, lasagna and delicious garlicky garlic bread. So sweet of her! And I ate it like I'd not eaten in days. (It felt like I hadn't, though I did eat "brunch" earlier in the day - eggs, sausage, toast and fruit salad).

So overall I feel better. At least I did talk to Al. Outloud. Instead of muttering under my breath, which is what I did the rest of the weekend. Because in addition to being sad, I've also been angry and resentful and hateful inside. And that's such a lousy feeling.

I confessed to Al in my big crying fit that sometimes I feel scared that I'm somehow going to morph completely into his ex-wife. Now we're going to have two kids, just like he had with her. I don't know why that panics me. I know we're different than they were. I guess that's just part of the evil of divorce - the seed of doubt it plants. The what ifs. Blah.

But no major pregnancy stuff.

Our anniversary is Thursday. Four years. FOUR. We are going out on a date for that. So yay!


Jenn said...

It won't let me add this to my google reader. :(

shoeaddict said...

just wondering are your step-children a boy and a girl? boys? girls? how often are they with you and al and bean?

My Lil Family