Sunday, December 23, 2007

7 weeks, 3 days - Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve! I plan to do a belly photo today, just for fun, even though there's nothing to see, still.

I've had a few really bad days back to back, with the nausea and the tiredness. Yesterday I pretty much stayed in bed all day, minus a few hours in the morning. I am also feeling depressed and sad - irrationally so, so I know it's just hormones. I couldn't be more thankful Al's home. I seriously couldn't have handled these days alone.

The taste in my mouth - it's so awful! It never goes away, it makes all food taste digusting, and it literally wakes me up at night. And it feels like there's this little gaggy glob of something right at the opening of my throat. It almost always feels like I've just recently vomited and there's a chunk left back there that needs to be rinsed and spat out. Only this one never goes away. I use mouthwash, I brush my teeth, I drink, I eat and NOTHING makes it go away.

On top of the nausea and just feeling generally flu-like, I also have pink-eye, so can't wear my contacts or make-up. I feel hideous, which doesn't help matters. Today, though, I feel better mood-wise, so far. It doesn't sound like I do, but I do!

I know in my head that all of this will pass. It might be 5 more weeks, it might be 22 more weeks. Who knows. But it'll be over. Eventually. It's just that the thought of living with it even 5 more DAYS is overwhelming. I just feel hopeless and like I want to go to sleep and never wake up until I feel better. Yet it's Christmas Eve, and tomorrow is Christmas, and of course I want to be awake and conscious for those. Even though I will spend them in my own head, trapped in this sick, gross feeling body, wishing for relief.

I hate that I sound this way. I hate that I FEEL this way. I wish I were one of those people who could just put on a brave face and smile through it. I always sorta thought I was, mostly, but this. This is different.

And I worry. I feel bad for the BABY that I feel this way. That maybe one day he or she will know about this and somehow feel bad about it. That Bean's pregnancy was so beautiful and wonderful, and this one is (so far, granted it will likely get better) so miserable. I don't want that for this child. It's not a happy, pleasant beginning. It's not the baby's fault. Al occasionally jokingly scolds Peanut... talking to my belly, saying, "You better stop making Mama feel so bad!" and I actually feel ANGRY at him and want to stop him. It's not Peanut's FAULT. Peanut, do you hear me? It's not your fault! I love you. You belong in there! Mama is not blaming you, would never blame you for any of this! I promise.

I've been trying to eat small amounts more frequently. That doesn't really seem to do much to help though, but who knows, maybe if I weren't doing that I'd feel worse. Which I can't imagine. But I'm not throwing up. I often feel like I'm right on the verge, but never quite get there.

I miss being me. I miss storming around getting things done, I miss laughing and smiling and taking care of my family.

5 comments:

Jenn said...

You're nicer to your belly baby than I was to Aislyn when I was pregnant with her, haha. I used to moan all the time, "Uuuuugh! You hate me in there, don't you?!" Hehe. This will pass. And when Peanut has kids (you know, if Peanut's a girl and I assume she is) then she will understand someday and appreciate being able to look back on both of your unique experiences in pregnancy.

Joanne said...

My first time by...your words brought me right back to my pregnancies. I have been down that road a couple of times myself. I remember that just the smell of my husband and his deodorant made me want to barf. He thought I was making it up each time!

Blessings!! Joanne

bloginmyeye said...

"I miss storming around and getting things done."...brings to mind this verse from Isaiah 30:15. Having children has forced me to re-learn how to play hard, and rest hard.

Melissa said...

We saw a book called "What to Expect When She's Expanding" which is a parody of all the other "What to Expect..." books, but written to the man. One of the funniest parts is where it explains to him that every mood swing, every wave of nausea, every leg cramp, every comment about butt-size...it's all HIS fault. Hee hee. I love that! (and use it all the time!)
That baby knows that in your heart you love it more than it could ever imagine, and has no clue that you are hating the way it makes you feel right now.
You are doing a fine job of building that baby.

Beth said...

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. It is certainly the hormones and those should level out in the next few weeks. Hang on girlfriend because the ride goes way to fast!
(((Hugs)))

My Lil Family