5 weeks!

Once again, Diaryland ate a long, detailed update when I hit the "all done" button. Grr.

Things were better last night when Al got home. He got home about 25 minutes earlier than usual and for some reason, that makes this gigantic difference in my mind. Every single minute past 6:30 that his arrival is delayed I feel less and less happy, for some reason. I guess 6:30 is my absolute cut-off for dealing with the day on my own anymore. After that, I'm just fading into oblivion.

If I didn't know I was pregnant because of "passing" several tests and skipping my period, and you were to ask me, "Are you pregnant?" I would boldly say, "NOPE."

Cause I just ain't feelin' it this week, dog. I just feel like plain old me, only tired from insomnia.

I went back and read my last pregnancy diary, but it doesn't start until 16 weeks and even in the beginning of that one I was still "complaining" about the lack of symptoms and belly-growth. I never even wore maternity clothes until I was 18 weeks into it. At 16 weeks, I wrote that even my regular pants weren't too tight. So this is perfectly normal and fine for me, the not feeling anything different. And this time, I will be happy to go that long without many noticable changes, really, because I know that no matter how late it starts, I will get my fill of feeling pregnant by the time all is said and done. And I will also be paying more attention, probably, just because I feel so blessed to be experiencing this all again when I thought I was all done with it for good.

Another thing that is on my mind, of course, is nursing. A got a box of Christmas gifts in the mail from my sister today and she also included all my old baby bottles and rings, tops, and nipples.

Good heavens, I hope those don't even get used. At least not until way longer into Peanut's first year than I used them with Bean. But I wonder how Al will react this time to my nursing our Peanut. He was just sorta put out by it last time - desperately wanted to feel a part of things. Maybe having Bean around will give him purpose and he'll find the mother-child bond of nursing less frustrating this time?

I just know how I let people get into my head last time about nursing. How I gave in against my wishes and used formula to make everyone else happy when I didn't want to. It is true that nursing Bean almost constantly for the first few days was very very difficult for me, painful, exhausting, a shock to my system in so many ways, and who knows, maybe I really CAN'T keep up with the needs of a newborn, but I want to try. If I can't do it, I can't, but well, I don't need to experience defeat before I've done all the right things. And isn't it true that women produce up to 90% more milk the second time they nurse? Jemma, you had more success the second time.

I cannot tell you, dear, what hope you gave me for a more successful experience this time, long before I knew there was going to BE a this time. I am SO glad you documented your successes and let me celebrate them with you. I cling to those entries of yours very tightly when I start worrying about this baby's early nutrition. CLING!

All of you, actually, have done a fabulous job with nursing. I hope I can do a better job this time, myself. I wish there were something I could be doing NOW to make sure everything went well. Breast peptalks?

Ooops, the Bean's awake. Off to see what kind of post-nap mood she's in today!