6 weeks, 2 days - much needed rest

The party was successful last night. I spent a large majority of the day finishing up the cooking and getting the house ready, but managed to spend about 2 hours just lying down.

I've had a bit of nausea off and on since mid-day Wednesday and the overwhelming exhaustion comes and goes, as well. I seem to have the most energy and feel the least queasy in the mornings until about lunchtime. Once Bean's naptime hits and I can sit down or lie down, that's when I get all leaden-feeling and nauseous, and that lasts until 8 pm or later, even when I do lie down while Bean naps and then try to just take it really easy the rest of the day. Even with the long rest yesterday the tired, sick feeling lasted longer than it has since it started - I think it finally went away last night around 11 pm, although then I was just sleepy and ready for bed. We came home from the last stop at the party (Nicki's house) at midnight and I slept pretty well, just getting up at 3:30 for a potty break and again at 5:45 to settle Bean back to sleep (there was no way I was dealing with her getting up that early today!) and then I slept almost uninterrupted until 8:20 AM! Which is miraculous, but it felt so wonderful to wake up and see LIGHT outside the windows vs. pitch black nighttime, which is what I normally see when I'm up for the day.

Now I've been up briefly for a glass of juice, and Al brought me coffee in bed (decaf) and I'm here in the pretty, peaceful guest bedroom tucked under my white down comforter and propped against pillows, looking out the windows at 8 inches of fresh snow all over everything, a crystal clear blue sky, the front of Nicki's house all decorated and beautiful, my pretty anniversary flowers on the dresser, and my laptop on my lap. And I feel peaceful and ready for a full day of just relaxing. I feel vaguely hungry and should eat (it's almost 10 AM) but can't think of a thing I want. Even my old standby, CheezIts, doesn't sound remotely appealing. Potato chips might be good. A nice ham and cheese sandwich with tons of cold lettuce and some nice dressing oozing off of it. Salty things, still. I just want salty things. Last night at the first stop on the party, Christy had made some pinwheel sandwiches with ham and cream cheese and what looked and tasted like pimentos. They were so delicious! I wanted to eat the whole tray. She also had a really yummy spinach dip that I would much prefer to have just eaten with a huge spoon vs. patiently dipping it out on crackers, but I had to at least observe a little bit of decorum.

Al was just chomping at the bit to tell EVERYONE last night that we're pregnant, so I let him do it. He's been so different this pregnancy about it. With Bean, he didn't seem in a huge hurry or all that interested to tell anyone, but this time, he's told everyone he talks to and he comes back from the conversation all gleeful and proud, "I told so and so you're pregnant and he/she said CONGRATULATIONS!" Like he is just so thrilled by their response. Anyway everyone is so excited for us, like I'd never imagined they might be, really. In the face of their excitement, I always feel pulled to confess my dubiousness about my ability to handle another baby/cope as a mother of two, and they are always quick to first acknowledge my feelings and then tell me how much I'm going to love it all anyway. Which is encouraging, yet not encouraging for some reason. They all seem to have confidence I can handle it EVEN THOUGH THEY ADMIT IT WILL BE VERY DIFFICULT. And that's the part that is discouraging. The Even Though part. I've much preferred the few conversations I've had in which I've been told, "Oh it's easier the second time, and Alex will be a great helper to you, and you won't feel so isolated and (crazy!) those first few months this time!" Yes and the more specific people are with me about how and why it's going to be easier, not HARDER, the better I feel.

I think I really just need to BELIEVE at this point that it will be easier than newbornhood with Bean, even THOUGH I loved Bean's newbornhood. But the days did drag on and I was completely knackered (I love using knackered and shattered, by the way) for so so soooooooooooooo long. I guess I just really dislike being tired. And the emotions over breastfeeding... ugh. I've never been so emotionally drained - never felt so completely over-my-head for such an extended period of time. Those feelings just. I can't go back there again. I just can't. And if it's harder, or worse, or however you want to term it, because I have another child to care for this time, well just the thought is overwhelming. It has to be easier. Some chunk of those early months HAS to be easier. That Bean is so mature, so sweet and cheerful and helpful and loving, and that she'll be so close to four by the time Peanut is born, that may be my saving grace.

Speaking of which, Bean and I were in the bathtub Friday afternoon late, getting all warmed up and snuggly, and for some reason I just felt compelled to start the dialogue about the baby with her.

So you think you're ready to have a little baby of our own?

Mmmm-hmm.

You want to be a big sister?

Yes.

Good, because we've got one on the way.

Is the baby here?

No, it's in Mama's tummy, here, where you were for a long time before you were born. (She looked at my tummy and looked back up at me.) Think it's a girl? Or a boy?


Oh it's a girl.

That's what Daddy says too. What if it's a boy, will you still love it?

It's not a boy, it's deffnilly a girl.

What should we name her?

How about Little Sister?

You can call her Little Sister, for sure. But what about a REAL name, like your real name is Alex. Do you like the name Keaton Culver Surname?

No, that's a DADDY name. Let's name her Goo Goo. Or Jumpy Feet. Like dis (jumps around dancing) Jumpy Feet Jumpy Feet!
And then she went on to tell me all the things we need for the baby. A pacifier. Baby food. A crib. And she wants GooGoo Jumpy Feet to sleep in her room with her so she can keep her company. And she says she'll make funny faces for the baby to make her happy. And she will hold her in her arms, too.

And now she brings me things, dolls, books, puzzles, and says, Mama, this is for you, and for my baby.

And asks me several times a day, Is the baby ready to come out yet?

And tells everyone she sees, Guess what? We have a BABY! In Mama's TUMMY!
And it is cute. And slightly embarrassing. But heartwarming. I hope she retains all this enthusiasm and joy over her baby even after Peanut arrives. I hope she stops asking me so often when the baby is going to come out, though!

Oh, she doesn't like the nickname Peanut, either. NO, the baby doesn't like peanuts, Mama.

Hee.

I'll probably be back later today as it seems I have a lot to capture, and for once, plenty of time to capture it.