6 weeks! Completely exhausted.

The tiredness has hit full-force as of Wednesday evening. Maybe it's the pregnancy, or maybe it's just the three weeks' worth of sleeplessness catching up, finally. I remember being tired off and on this early with Bean, but I don't remember clearly if there was anything that brought it on. I was working and as I recall there were several big events around this stage, and I even recall being at home on a weekday, resting and sleeping, when my Mom called to pretty much TELL me I was pregnant. (She knew before I said anything to her - she just said, "A mother knows.) Anyway I was about 6 weeks that day or thereabouts, and I was home in the middle of the day, so I must have been worn out then, too, and it was probably brought on by a major work event and/or travel.

I went to Bunco Wednesday night and was quite literally loopy and unable to focus on anything I was so tired out. I know the ladies must think I'm absolutely a space cadet after my performance. I didn't tell any of them WHY I'm so tired, though. That's an accomplishment for me, as I usually just blab the news right out when I have the first opportunity.

So I was out late at Bunco. I didn't get to bed until almost midnight and Bean was up at 3:30 I think needing her nose blown and just to be settled. The cold is better but bothers her still at night. Then she was up for the day at 6. Shew. I spent the day yesterday literally on the verge of tears from sheer wiped-outness. There's so much to do to get ready for the upcoming party Saturday and then the cookie exchange Tuesday. I looked at everything on my list yesterday and just about came unglued. I got Bean and me ready and we went to Wal-Mart to buy stuff we need for the party and life in general. Just pushing the cart around was a major chore. It felt like it was full of lead (as did I) even when it was empty. But we muddled through and then went to our diner for lunch. That was a nice lift, as I got to eat TWO WHOLE bowls of their delicious split-pea soup, and more importantly got to feel "taken care of" for a few minutes. So lunch did a lot to patch me up emotionally.

Al got home from his 2 days away right as Bean was going down for her nap, and we exchanged anniversary gifts and cards. Oh, and also I'd gotten a nice bouquet of lilies about an hour earlier, just after B and I got home from Wal-Mart and lunch. Al and I took a short nap (the phone kept ringing!) and then spent some time together with B before it was time for us to go out to dinner for our anniversary. I SO didn't want to go out last night. It felt like if we went I'd just have to lie in a booth or something and have Al feed me! I was just so completely lifeless. But a hot bath and that quick nap seemed to revive me briefly, so we did go and I am so happy we did because we had awesome conversation and just a wonderful time together. I asked Al if he would mind terribly taking me grocery shopping after dinner, so I could get all the rest of the party foods and supplies in with his help and without needing to drag Bean along to the grocery and liquor stores. And he happily complied. He sometimes makes me feel like such a princess. He did all the heavy lifting and kept me laughing and and made the experience like a date vs. the drudgery that grocery shopping normally can be. I was getting so tired again though and so clumsy from that. Al left me briefly to go do something in the store and I banged my chin on the cart handle while putting a case of bottled water into the bottom rack. I hit it so hard I saw stars and my eyes welled up with tears, but the tears were probably just more from being so tired and overwrought from the day than from the pain. We finished up the trip and got the groceries unloaded and I was in the bed asleep by 9: 15. Happy Anniversary to us! Sigh.

But I feel really happy and free to have our 4th anniversary behind us and still be happily married and in love. In my previous marriage, the disintegration had begun right around this time and I've just been feeling kindof anxious to pass the milestone this time and have it behind me.

Other than the exhaustion, really no symptoms to note. By the end of the day lately I can feel the firmness of my uterus in my pelvis when I bend over or squat. And my breasts are still tender and feel a tiny bit fuller. I've eaten so much in the past 2 days (and a lot of it has been very salty, thanks to my salty cravings and the availability of salty, fatty foods!) that I've gained about 3 pounds since Tuesday, but I think that will probably come back off as I eat healthily again today. Oh, and I'll be really active today as I have to clean the house this morning while Bean is at Nicki's. This afternoon, though, I plan to take it pretty easy again as tomorrow will be a hugely busy day getting read for the party.

Sunday Al has insisted that I just stay in the bed all day and let him take care of me as if I'm sick. It sounds pathetic, but I'm sortof living for Sunday right now, as I can think of nothing more appealing than a day in bed reading, watching movies and maybe blogging a little bit. I have such high expectations of the remainder of the holiday season - I planned all of these things before I was pregnant and I just want to get them done and enjoy them all as much as I'd hoped to as I planned for them, and so far I've been able to, but yesterday it all just seemed too much and I was completely overwhelmed and stressed about it all, so much so that none of it sounded even remotely fun anymore. Today I feel a bit better about it, and I know if I'll just let myself rest some, I can handle everything better, both physically and emotionally.

I know Al will help me so much - having him at home and with me just bolsters everything inside. I stood at the window in Bean's room yesterday and said to God aloud, as I looked out feeling as bleak as the scene before me, "God, I am so tired and so alone. I need Al to help me. Why won't you have Him help me?"

And then Al came home full of ideas for my day off Sunday and treating me like a princess last night and helping me get the shopping done and listening to me talk it all out. God heard. Oh He hears me, even when I'm being petulant and whiny. He hears me like I hear Bean when she's at the end of her rope, and He comes to my rescue every time. Well, he sends Al, anyway.

Six weeks, Peanut. You are growing and changing inside me and I love you so much already. And Daddy too. We're already planning to get rid of the glass-topped end table in the family room so you don't pull it over on top of your sweet little self when you start learning to stand. You are tiny, but you are real and important and our hearts and souls are already protecting you in every way imaginable. God made us your parents, and we will be your loving, proud parents until the end of time.