8 weeks - poisoned. i feel like i've been poisoned.

That's it! I've been trying to figure out what to liken this to, and it's being poisoned, or maybe chemotherapy? Which is, of course, pretty much poisoning someone *almost* to death. That's what I've come up with.

I've been asleep for as much of today as I could manage while still providing the basics of care and supervision for Bean. She's dressed. She's had little things to nibble on, and one actual meal for lunch. She's played a little on her own. Watched a shameful amount of TV. We took a bath.

I feel bad for her. She's certainly not being abused or neglected, really, but compared to her life as little as a month ago, it surely must FEEL to her like she's a little of both. Part of it is that she's chosen NOW (which is probably no accident) to start being a true little attitudey three-year-old. NOW to test me at every turn, when I don't have the patience or creativity to handle it any other way than just to send her to her room. NOW to start the stomping and the nasty little looks. I imagine with my zero tolerance/patience for anything she's likely going to get through it pretty quickly, anyway. Sigh.

The baby is the size of an olive this week. I love olives. Well, I loved olives. Now I don't love anything. To eat. I do love to sleep though. Pretty much anything else is completely useless to me. Every minute I'm awake I'm pretty much just looking forward to sleeping again. Welcome to the anti-Megan. Sheesh.

Had a wonderful two and a half day vacation from feeling really awful though, just in time for Christmas. I felt really nice all day Christmas day, then the day after, and half of yesterday. But by the evening yesterday the gross whole deal was back full swing. I guess my hormones took a few days off for the holiday, and are now back on the job. The baby will grow so much in the next few weeks - I think he/she gets to be the size of a lime in another 2-3 weeks. Amazing. So the hormones are necessary, I suppose. Enjoy them, little person. Maybe you could take a little more of them off my hands at a time so they wouldn't be leftover to make me so sick?

He/She has little hands and feet and fingers and toes now, or almost now. And in another week or two will have his/her little girl or boy bits out where they are visible. What are they, in there? Look down wouldja and knock on me once for boy, twice for girl, okay? You hear me?

Okay I have to go use some Listerine to get rid of this taste for a few minutes.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! I can't wait for this trimester to be OVER.

Eight weeks, though. That is nothing to sneeze at.

Which reminds me, I also have a cold. The Vick's Inhaler smells REALLY good to me. So I love sleep and my Vick's Inhaler. That's two things. I stand corrected.

Hey! I looked at my stats and whaddaya know? There are actually several people reading this! (I mean I knew a few of my sweet dear Diaryland friends were and a couple others who trekked over from FriedOkra, but now I think there are more, too!) Which is absolutely great! I'd love to know WHO'S reading, since this blog is a bit more personal and well, gutteral, at best. I feel a little exposed here, as you can imagine. Let me know who I'm exposing myself to, wouldja?

7 weeks, 5 days - a little relieved, but a little nervous

Yesterday I had virtually no sickness, all day long. There were occasionally little washes of mild nausea, but nothing compared to three or four days ago. It was a bit more manageable Christmas Eve, as I did get all of those ham biscuits made (120 of them!) and delivered and a few other things done, but then yesterday was even far better than that.

I am trying not to let this completely panic me, because it IS nice not to feel so awful and everything is likely fine. I've had several nights of very good, long sleep, which may be making for my feeling better in the days. Also, I've been breaking up my vitamin B6 tablet and taking it in little pieces throughout the day instead of just taking one big dose in the morning - so maybe that's helped. Whatever the reason, as long as the baby is fine, I am so happy, as this may mean I can get back to eating a normal, healthier diet and not eating so much and so often trying to fight the sick feeling, and I'll be able to get back to walking every day. I've been starting to feel HUGE all over and have gained several lbs. already from all the bad eating and the not-exercising. Which I am not stressing too much over, but the generally unhealthy practices food and activity-wise WERE starting to get me down. My pregnancy with Bean was mostly a healthy one, and I'd like THIS one to be even healthier. I gained 36 lbs with her, which was a nice gain - felt good on my frame and didn't require me to be hungry or neurotic about it and then came off completely within a year, I think - so I'd like to stick within that range again. As I recall, I put on several lbs. more in the first trimester with Bean than everything I read said was "normal," and I worried and wondered about it, but I was REALLY hungry that trimester and then as I recall the hunger and the weight gain slowed a bit in the second trimester and I gained more "normally" then. Maybe my body just wants to gain a bit more in the first trimester - that's just my own little thing? It's okay by me. Though clothing may soon become an issue not because of my big belly but because of my big BEHIND. Oh well!

ITWILLCOMEOFFITWILLCOMEOFFITWILLCOMEOFF.

The day yesterday (Christmas)was really lovely in every way - great morning with Bean and Al opening presents and stuff. We had a great breakfast that I made myself with no queasy, grossed-out issues at all, of smoked sausage, homemade chocolately cheese danish which were OUT OF THIS WORLD GOOD because they had Nutella drizzled over them, and a fresh fruit salad with oranges, grapes and delicious, juicy chunks of pear. After we ate that, I made my two dishes (carrot casserole with plenty of horseradish - a favorite of mine, and green beans with butter and almonds) and then we all got cleaned up and dressed and went over to my friend Elaine's house to celebrate with her family. It was peaceful and sweet and perfect, with the kids playing together and the wonderful food and just the closeness of family. We got home right at Bean's bedtime and tucked her in - she was asleep before we got out of the room, and then we curled up on our bed and went to sleep really early as well.

And other than the lack of nausea, I feel very pregnant - in fact more pregnant than I should be feeling for less than 8 weeks, at least in my opinion. My breasts are still hurting, and I can still feel my little uterus all blown up and filling my pelvis firmly and noticeably. My intestines are clearly all squooshed up already and by nightfall for the past 4ish days I've felt gigantic and floppy and bloated all around my midsection. But way above the waist of my pants, so I know it's just bloating and my organs being shifted upwards, not like a huge womb or anything! It just feels really pregnant in there. I don't remember registering those feelings in my first pregnancy until WAY later. Months later, in fact.

And I still get that gross taste in my mouth and that goopy yucky fingery feeling at the back of my throat here and there. My coffee tastes as weird this morning as it did yesterday, too.

I woke up this morning with a LOUD ringing in my right ear. Like our alarm system was going off or something. My head is SO FULL of mucus and ick right now, but I don't have cold symptoms, just this thick, cloggy feeling. I'm sure that was causing a weird pressure in my ear canal that caused the ringing. I sat up in bed and tried to clear everything out by sniffly snorting and releasing pressure from my ears, but still the ringing persisted and I started to get scared. I reasoned with myself that all would be well, there's increased bloodflow all over and maybe that was the cause. I continued to move around, sit up, and kindof shake my head around, but the ringing just kept on. I finally got up and walked to the bathroom, got some water, went to the potty, and grabbed my laptop and headed for the guest bedroom. By the time I'd logged on and started Googling "pregnant and ringing in ears" the ringing had all but stopped and I relaxed. Incidentally there were multiple related mentions of pregnant and ringing in ears that the Google search found, but when I clicked on each of them, the articles never actually SAID anything about it. Weird.

So that crisis seems to have passed for now. It's funny though, with that ringing going on, my brain had tried to explain it to myself in my sleep by dreaming about a dolphin swimming and playing in a lagoon as I stood on the shore and watched it while talking to my old friend and co-worker, V, who was pregnant with her daughter while I was pregnant with Bean. It was nice to see her again. She was still fabulous in my dream and made me feel like a cloddy little ball of frumpiness. Hee. Some things never change, even in dreams. She was, of course, the owner of the dolphin, as well. Naturally! And a condo in downtown Atlanta (which was coastal, in the dream!) right next to the hospital, and we were there because she was offering to let me stay there in the latter days of this pregnancy so I'd be able to just hop across the street when I was ready to deliver. What a funny dream.

Hm. Here's one of those little surges of mild nausea washing over me. Time to go eat something. Surely this means everything's fine with the baby?

Oh and I forgot to do the belly picture, but I'll do it sometime today, maybe. I hope. There's nothing to see but a fat lady who has had too many carbs in the past week and is now sporting a wicked muffin top.

7 weeks, 3 days - Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve! I plan to do a belly photo today, just for fun, even though there's nothing to see, still.

I've had a few really bad days back to back, with the nausea and the tiredness. Yesterday I pretty much stayed in bed all day, minus a few hours in the morning. I am also feeling depressed and sad - irrationally so, so I know it's just hormones. I couldn't be more thankful Al's home. I seriously couldn't have handled these days alone.

The taste in my mouth - it's so awful! It never goes away, it makes all food taste digusting, and it literally wakes me up at night. And it feels like there's this little gaggy glob of something right at the opening of my throat. It almost always feels like I've just recently vomited and there's a chunk left back there that needs to be rinsed and spat out. Only this one never goes away. I use mouthwash, I brush my teeth, I drink, I eat and NOTHING makes it go away.

On top of the nausea and just feeling generally flu-like, I also have pink-eye, so can't wear my contacts or make-up. I feel hideous, which doesn't help matters. Today, though, I feel better mood-wise, so far. It doesn't sound like I do, but I do!

I know in my head that all of this will pass. It might be 5 more weeks, it might be 22 more weeks. Who knows. But it'll be over. Eventually. It's just that the thought of living with it even 5 more DAYS is overwhelming. I just feel hopeless and like I want to go to sleep and never wake up until I feel better. Yet it's Christmas Eve, and tomorrow is Christmas, and of course I want to be awake and conscious for those. Even though I will spend them in my own head, trapped in this sick, gross feeling body, wishing for relief.

I hate that I sound this way. I hate that I FEEL this way. I wish I were one of those people who could just put on a brave face and smile through it. I always sorta thought I was, mostly, but this. This is different.

And I worry. I feel bad for the BABY that I feel this way. That maybe one day he or she will know about this and somehow feel bad about it. That Bean's pregnancy was so beautiful and wonderful, and this one is (so far, granted it will likely get better) so miserable. I don't want that for this child. It's not a happy, pleasant beginning. It's not the baby's fault. Al occasionally jokingly scolds Peanut... talking to my belly, saying, "You better stop making Mama feel so bad!" and I actually feel ANGRY at him and want to stop him. It's not Peanut's FAULT. Peanut, do you hear me? It's not your fault! I love you. You belong in there! Mama is not blaming you, would never blame you for any of this! I promise.

I've been trying to eat small amounts more frequently. That doesn't really seem to do much to help though, but who knows, maybe if I weren't doing that I'd feel worse. Which I can't imagine. But I'm not throwing up. I often feel like I'm right on the verge, but never quite get there.

I miss being me. I miss storming around getting things done, I miss laughing and smiling and taking care of my family.

7 weeks! 7 weeks! morning sickness irony

Yes, the irony of this nausea is that it's going to result in my actually GAINING weight.

I haven't actually thrown up yet, you see.

But there are only certain things I can stand to eat (until way late in the day, and even then, I'm careful) and ALL of those things, except oranges and shoepeg corn, are calorie-laden, high-fat, low nutritional value foods.

Take yesterday's breakfast, for example. I choked down a banana. GOOD JOB. Then I got REALLY STARVING (but still nauseous!) and all I could eat were corn chips dipped in queso dip.

Today, I'm having Tater Tots.

By lunch time, I feel COMPELLED TO EAT SOMETHING DECENT. Yesterday Bean and I went to the diner and I had a Greek salad with a chicken breast on top. It took me about 90 minutes to choke it down, though. My throat would just CLOSE while I was chewing, and then I'd have to wait for that wave of nausea to pass before I could swallow and start on the next bite. What made matters worse was that I'd ordered the salad WITHOUT ANCHOVIES, which to me means, NO ANCHOVIES AT ALL ANYWHERE, but to them means "get out a Greek salad from the fridge and pick the anchovies off."

It had traces of anchovy juice on some of the lettuce.

This made for some EXTRA moments of throat closing. And gagging. I should have sent it back but I just would have felt picky or rude or something. I know. I know.

Also. THIS NOSE.

Nothing smells "right," and EVERYTHING smells STRONG. And it's overwhelming at times.

I sleep with my hands all balled up in fists, and when I wake up in the morning, I can't stand to let them get anywhere near my face until I've washed them. BECAUSE THEY STINK! LIKE FEET! MY HANDS! How is that even possible?

Al says he can't even smell anything. But I can smell them immediately as I remove them from under the covers and UGH. It's just so disgusting!

I bought Al some cologne, his normal cologne, Safari by Ralph Lauren, which he's worn forever, for our anniversary. He'd been out of it for awhile. He put some on the next morning and the WHOLE HOUSE smelled eye-wateringly Safari-esque all day long. He isn't wearing it anymore. Maybe in a few weeks?

I've been taking Vitamin B6 daily since Tuesday. I THINK it might be helping the nausea a tiny little bit. The morning sickness is now more true morning sickness, in that it's here mostly in the morning and then fades some as the day progresses. By mid-afternoon I don't really feel nauseous anymore but have burning, painful heartburn in my entire abdomen. It feels a lot like hunger, actually, which tricks my brain into thinking it should eat, so I nibble and snack but that doesn't help. I take antacids and they last a little while each.

I'm also still taking my GERD medicine, which usually combats the nausea and heartburn I have routinely from the GERD, but with the pregnancy I need about TWICE as much of that medicine to stave it off, and it scares me to take that much. I'll talk to my doctor in January about it and hopefully find some solution.


I'm finally getting some decent sleep. I still wake up several times nightly to go to the bathroom and such, but am able, mostly, to get back to sleep quickly.

I'm still wickedly thirsty all the time. And have a funny taste in my mouth almost constantly. The only thing that helps that is Coke. I remember that from Bean. Coke somehow clears that taste away for an hour or two. Plus, it's just YUMMY! (I drink the caffeine free version, although it's sweetened with sugar so I am trying hard to limit myself to one small glass a day - I really don't need any sugar right now!)

Al will be home for the next FIVE days, so I should get some rest and relaxation for some of those days. There's still a lot to be done, but having him home will guarantee some naps and some just resting time that I don't get when I've got Bean on my own.

Tater tots are done. Time to go choke them down!

6 weeks, 4 days - it's a crapshoot, apparently.

So today is the worst day so far with nausea and tiredness and can't-breathing-ness and feeling-like-I-might-pass-outness. Fun times! Apparently yesterday's rally was a flukey thing and it wasn't the rest so much as it's just the body decides when and how to surge out the hormones and today it's squirting them out full blast like the snot out of Bean's nose, (which is not helping matters by the way.) I know this is a BIG growth week for Peanut, as he/she goes from being like a little pencil eraser to more of a pinto bean. This is the week Bean got her nickname when I was pregnant with her, come to think of it! Peanut won't be the size of a peanut for awhile though, yet. Yet, though. Whatever.

I didn't feel like this so much that time, though. Or maybe I did. I wish I'd started my diary this early with Bean. That would be very helpful right now!

I bought a new maternity top at Target today. It's cute. Pink. With polka dots. It looks huge to me and it's a small but I bet it'll be too small when I have a belly. We'll see.

I just have to make the food (ugh) and do a very little light cleaning today to get ready for the cookie exchange. Someone PLEASE tell me what on earth made me volunteer to host this thing 3 days after another party? When I'm in the first trimester of pregnancy? At 40?

Yes, I know.

"Because you are crazy, Megan. Which WE all knew years ago, but apparently YOU are still not in touch with."

Thankyouverymuch.

It is good to have friends who are willing to lay it on the line with me, you know?

Maybe I'll be back later today, or maybe I will instead be lying prone on my kitchen floor with a 32 oz. block of Velveeta in one hand and barf bucket in the other.

We shall just have to wait and see.

6 weeks, 3 days - much better day

So the rest yesterday must have done the trick. Although I felt mostly miserable all day as I rested and Al did everything else, I got a really nice night's sleep last night (9:30 - 5:00 AM uninterrupted!!!!) and have felt pretty darned good all day today barring a tiny hint of heartburn and a little sluggishness right after lunch. Took a nap and now I'm up and still feeling pretty decent!

Bean just got up from her nap so it's time to swing into action again.

Holding out hope the rest of the day just may be bearable! Woohooo!

6 weeks, 2 days - much needed rest

The party was successful last night. I spent a large majority of the day finishing up the cooking and getting the house ready, but managed to spend about 2 hours just lying down.

I've had a bit of nausea off and on since mid-day Wednesday and the overwhelming exhaustion comes and goes, as well. I seem to have the most energy and feel the least queasy in the mornings until about lunchtime. Once Bean's naptime hits and I can sit down or lie down, that's when I get all leaden-feeling and nauseous, and that lasts until 8 pm or later, even when I do lie down while Bean naps and then try to just take it really easy the rest of the day. Even with the long rest yesterday the tired, sick feeling lasted longer than it has since it started - I think it finally went away last night around 11 pm, although then I was just sleepy and ready for bed. We came home from the last stop at the party (Nicki's house) at midnight and I slept pretty well, just getting up at 3:30 for a potty break and again at 5:45 to settle Bean back to sleep (there was no way I was dealing with her getting up that early today!) and then I slept almost uninterrupted until 8:20 AM! Which is miraculous, but it felt so wonderful to wake up and see LIGHT outside the windows vs. pitch black nighttime, which is what I normally see when I'm up for the day.

Now I've been up briefly for a glass of juice, and Al brought me coffee in bed (decaf) and I'm here in the pretty, peaceful guest bedroom tucked under my white down comforter and propped against pillows, looking out the windows at 8 inches of fresh snow all over everything, a crystal clear blue sky, the front of Nicki's house all decorated and beautiful, my pretty anniversary flowers on the dresser, and my laptop on my lap. And I feel peaceful and ready for a full day of just relaxing. I feel vaguely hungry and should eat (it's almost 10 AM) but can't think of a thing I want. Even my old standby, CheezIts, doesn't sound remotely appealing. Potato chips might be good. A nice ham and cheese sandwich with tons of cold lettuce and some nice dressing oozing off of it. Salty things, still. I just want salty things. Last night at the first stop on the party, Christy had made some pinwheel sandwiches with ham and cream cheese and what looked and tasted like pimentos. They were so delicious! I wanted to eat the whole tray. She also had a really yummy spinach dip that I would much prefer to have just eaten with a huge spoon vs. patiently dipping it out on crackers, but I had to at least observe a little bit of decorum.

Al was just chomping at the bit to tell EVERYONE last night that we're pregnant, so I let him do it. He's been so different this pregnancy about it. With Bean, he didn't seem in a huge hurry or all that interested to tell anyone, but this time, he's told everyone he talks to and he comes back from the conversation all gleeful and proud, "I told so and so you're pregnant and he/she said CONGRATULATIONS!" Like he is just so thrilled by their response. Anyway everyone is so excited for us, like I'd never imagined they might be, really. In the face of their excitement, I always feel pulled to confess my dubiousness about my ability to handle another baby/cope as a mother of two, and they are always quick to first acknowledge my feelings and then tell me how much I'm going to love it all anyway. Which is encouraging, yet not encouraging for some reason. They all seem to have confidence I can handle it EVEN THOUGH THEY ADMIT IT WILL BE VERY DIFFICULT. And that's the part that is discouraging. The Even Though part. I've much preferred the few conversations I've had in which I've been told, "Oh it's easier the second time, and Alex will be a great helper to you, and you won't feel so isolated and (crazy!) those first few months this time!" Yes and the more specific people are with me about how and why it's going to be easier, not HARDER, the better I feel.

I think I really just need to BELIEVE at this point that it will be easier than newbornhood with Bean, even THOUGH I loved Bean's newbornhood. But the days did drag on and I was completely knackered (I love using knackered and shattered, by the way) for so so soooooooooooooo long. I guess I just really dislike being tired. And the emotions over breastfeeding... ugh. I've never been so emotionally drained - never felt so completely over-my-head for such an extended period of time. Those feelings just. I can't go back there again. I just can't. And if it's harder, or worse, or however you want to term it, because I have another child to care for this time, well just the thought is overwhelming. It has to be easier. Some chunk of those early months HAS to be easier. That Bean is so mature, so sweet and cheerful and helpful and loving, and that she'll be so close to four by the time Peanut is born, that may be my saving grace.

Speaking of which, Bean and I were in the bathtub Friday afternoon late, getting all warmed up and snuggly, and for some reason I just felt compelled to start the dialogue about the baby with her.

So you think you're ready to have a little baby of our own?

Mmmm-hmm.

You want to be a big sister?

Yes.

Good, because we've got one on the way.

Is the baby here?

No, it's in Mama's tummy, here, where you were for a long time before you were born. (She looked at my tummy and looked back up at me.) Think it's a girl? Or a boy?


Oh it's a girl.

That's what Daddy says too. What if it's a boy, will you still love it?

It's not a boy, it's deffnilly a girl.

What should we name her?

How about Little Sister?

You can call her Little Sister, for sure. But what about a REAL name, like your real name is Alex. Do you like the name Keaton Culver Surname?

No, that's a DADDY name. Let's name her Goo Goo. Or Jumpy Feet. Like dis (jumps around dancing) Jumpy Feet Jumpy Feet!
And then she went on to tell me all the things we need for the baby. A pacifier. Baby food. A crib. And she wants GooGoo Jumpy Feet to sleep in her room with her so she can keep her company. And she says she'll make funny faces for the baby to make her happy. And she will hold her in her arms, too.

And now she brings me things, dolls, books, puzzles, and says, Mama, this is for you, and for my baby.

And asks me several times a day, Is the baby ready to come out yet?

And tells everyone she sees, Guess what? We have a BABY! In Mama's TUMMY!
And it is cute. And slightly embarrassing. But heartwarming. I hope she retains all this enthusiasm and joy over her baby even after Peanut arrives. I hope she stops asking me so often when the baby is going to come out, though!

Oh, she doesn't like the nickname Peanut, either. NO, the baby doesn't like peanuts, Mama.

Hee.

I'll probably be back later today as it seems I have a lot to capture, and for once, plenty of time to capture it.

6 weeks! Completely exhausted.

The tiredness has hit full-force as of Wednesday evening. Maybe it's the pregnancy, or maybe it's just the three weeks' worth of sleeplessness catching up, finally. I remember being tired off and on this early with Bean, but I don't remember clearly if there was anything that brought it on. I was working and as I recall there were several big events around this stage, and I even recall being at home on a weekday, resting and sleeping, when my Mom called to pretty much TELL me I was pregnant. (She knew before I said anything to her - she just said, "A mother knows.) Anyway I was about 6 weeks that day or thereabouts, and I was home in the middle of the day, so I must have been worn out then, too, and it was probably brought on by a major work event and/or travel.

I went to Bunco Wednesday night and was quite literally loopy and unable to focus on anything I was so tired out. I know the ladies must think I'm absolutely a space cadet after my performance. I didn't tell any of them WHY I'm so tired, though. That's an accomplishment for me, as I usually just blab the news right out when I have the first opportunity.

So I was out late at Bunco. I didn't get to bed until almost midnight and Bean was up at 3:30 I think needing her nose blown and just to be settled. The cold is better but bothers her still at night. Then she was up for the day at 6. Shew. I spent the day yesterday literally on the verge of tears from sheer wiped-outness. There's so much to do to get ready for the upcoming party Saturday and then the cookie exchange Tuesday. I looked at everything on my list yesterday and just about came unglued. I got Bean and me ready and we went to Wal-Mart to buy stuff we need for the party and life in general. Just pushing the cart around was a major chore. It felt like it was full of lead (as did I) even when it was empty. But we muddled through and then went to our diner for lunch. That was a nice lift, as I got to eat TWO WHOLE bowls of their delicious split-pea soup, and more importantly got to feel "taken care of" for a few minutes. So lunch did a lot to patch me up emotionally.

Al got home from his 2 days away right as Bean was going down for her nap, and we exchanged anniversary gifts and cards. Oh, and also I'd gotten a nice bouquet of lilies about an hour earlier, just after B and I got home from Wal-Mart and lunch. Al and I took a short nap (the phone kept ringing!) and then spent some time together with B before it was time for us to go out to dinner for our anniversary. I SO didn't want to go out last night. It felt like if we went I'd just have to lie in a booth or something and have Al feed me! I was just so completely lifeless. But a hot bath and that quick nap seemed to revive me briefly, so we did go and I am so happy we did because we had awesome conversation and just a wonderful time together. I asked Al if he would mind terribly taking me grocery shopping after dinner, so I could get all the rest of the party foods and supplies in with his help and without needing to drag Bean along to the grocery and liquor stores. And he happily complied. He sometimes makes me feel like such a princess. He did all the heavy lifting and kept me laughing and and made the experience like a date vs. the drudgery that grocery shopping normally can be. I was getting so tired again though and so clumsy from that. Al left me briefly to go do something in the store and I banged my chin on the cart handle while putting a case of bottled water into the bottom rack. I hit it so hard I saw stars and my eyes welled up with tears, but the tears were probably just more from being so tired and overwrought from the day than from the pain. We finished up the trip and got the groceries unloaded and I was in the bed asleep by 9: 15. Happy Anniversary to us! Sigh.

But I feel really happy and free to have our 4th anniversary behind us and still be happily married and in love. In my previous marriage, the disintegration had begun right around this time and I've just been feeling kindof anxious to pass the milestone this time and have it behind me.

Other than the exhaustion, really no symptoms to note. By the end of the day lately I can feel the firmness of my uterus in my pelvis when I bend over or squat. And my breasts are still tender and feel a tiny bit fuller. I've eaten so much in the past 2 days (and a lot of it has been very salty, thanks to my salty cravings and the availability of salty, fatty foods!) that I've gained about 3 pounds since Tuesday, but I think that will probably come back off as I eat healthily again today. Oh, and I'll be really active today as I have to clean the house this morning while Bean is at Nicki's. This afternoon, though, I plan to take it pretty easy again as tomorrow will be a hugely busy day getting read for the party.

Sunday Al has insisted that I just stay in the bed all day and let him take care of me as if I'm sick. It sounds pathetic, but I'm sortof living for Sunday right now, as I can think of nothing more appealing than a day in bed reading, watching movies and maybe blogging a little bit. I have such high expectations of the remainder of the holiday season - I planned all of these things before I was pregnant and I just want to get them done and enjoy them all as much as I'd hoped to as I planned for them, and so far I've been able to, but yesterday it all just seemed too much and I was completely overwhelmed and stressed about it all, so much so that none of it sounded even remotely fun anymore. Today I feel a bit better about it, and I know if I'll just let myself rest some, I can handle everything better, both physically and emotionally.

I know Al will help me so much - having him at home and with me just bolsters everything inside. I stood at the window in Bean's room yesterday and said to God aloud, as I looked out feeling as bleak as the scene before me, "God, I am so tired and so alone. I need Al to help me. Why won't you have Him help me?"

And then Al came home full of ideas for my day off Sunday and treating me like a princess last night and helping me get the shopping done and listening to me talk it all out. God heard. Oh He hears me, even when I'm being petulant and whiny. He hears me like I hear Bean when she's at the end of her rope, and He comes to my rescue every time. Well, he sends Al, anyway.

Six weeks, Peanut. You are growing and changing inside me and I love you so much already. And Daddy too. We're already planning to get rid of the glass-topped end table in the family room so you don't pull it over on top of your sweet little self when you start learning to stand. You are tiny, but you are real and important and our hearts and souls are already protecting you in every way imaginable. God made us your parents, and we will be your loving, proud parents until the end of time.

5 weeks, 5 days - first ligament-ish pains

Another great breastfeeding link: Kellymom.com. (Thanks Jemma!)

I really also just popped on to say that last night I began having the exact same unilateral (on the left side, just like last time, also the side with the corpus luteum last time, by the way, I wonder if they're connected somehow?) stabbing pains in my pelvis that I remember from exactly NOW in my pregnancy with Bean. I was having them the day I had my first ultrasound which was at 6 weeks to the day by my calculations, and I think I'd had them about 2 or 3 days prior to that scan. I actually went to the doctor BECAUSE of those pains, convinced it was an ectopic pregnancy and in dire need of some sort of reassurance. And that doctor was completely unhelpful in explaining the pains and made virtually no effort to comfort me or even lighten the mood. (Oh I am so happy wasn't the one to attend Bean's birth! ARGH!) She almost seemed irritated at me for having the nerve to be pregnant. It was an awful first appointment. Anyway. But the sonogram, which was a few days later, with a very nice technician, was wonderful and I remember so vividly seeing Bean's tiny little flickering heartbeat on the monitor and just weeping with joy. She was so beautiful to me, even when she was no bigger than a little rice grain.

But I'm having those exact same pains now and I know they're just normal for me. Normal and a GOOD sign!

Bean has a miserable cold right now. I mean, the cold is miserable, but she isn't. She just acts like her normal self except she's constantly needing a tissue. She only got on once in the night last night and that was just for 5 minutes or so. I didn't even have to read her a book or anything. And other than that, I had a pretty good sleep. I woke up at 12:45, 3:45 (with Bean) and 5:45, but was able to fall back to sleep very quickly. I ate half an apple and a banana (oh yeah, and two pickles, hee hee!) before bed last night, testing my theory of sleeping better if I try to get "full" just before lying down and it worked! So I'll keep doing that, but only with fruit.

I'm a little nervous I'm going to catch Bean's cold. Just in time for these two parties and all the holiday stuff I still have ahead of me. I hope I can avoid it, but you know, no matter how often you wash your hands, you cannot avoid the snotty mouth-kiss when you least expect it. I got two yesterday and I KNOW I got snot in my mouth. (UGH.) So unless my immune system's really strong right now, I may be doomed. OH WELL.

It's weird to write in here, although I love it. I'm so used to more officially "blogging" now, so my blathering diary style seems a bit rambling and mundane comparatively speaking. But I'll do it anyway, because I know it will be valuable to me now as an outlet and later as a way to remember a very special time in the life of my Peanut.

5 weeks, 4 days - good breastfeeding link and, you know, my rambling brain

I found this link to a list of to-dos for establishing a good milk supply, on the La Leche League International website. It's EXACTLY the information I'm going to need to have at my fingertips and STUCK INSIDE MY HEAD when I start to nurse Peanut. I am so thankful I found it! It's all bookmarked on my laptop so I can refer to it as needed over the next months and beyond. The book(s) I read during my last pregnancy were fine, but a little generalized and a little softer touch. I need LLLI's firmness and eyes-wide-open approach, I guess.

I'm still not feeling much of anything. I worked out (on the treadmill - my regular three mile walk) yesterday for the first time since that horrible virus hit and that went really well. I didn't feel tired or lightheaded at all, and there were times I felt like running but didn't because Bean was close by and she kinda scares me around that treadmill. I don't want it to be going really fast if she somehow knocks something into it or tosses something at it, lest one or both of us be sucked under and ground up.

After my workout I came up and sat at the computer and ate a handful of spice drops. They tasted SO GOOD (like everything else I'm eating these days!) but the crash about an hour later nearly knocked me flat. I just can't DO massive sugar intake without feeling miserable for it later.

I had one decent night's sleep Sunday night. I got really hungry that night in the evening so I ate quite a bit prior to bedtime - all healthy stuff but I was pretty full when I lay down. I'm wondering if that isn't why I had a relatively good night? I didn't do it again last night because I didn't feel hungry, and last night was an awful night. I woke up about 5 times on my own and had a tough time getting back to sleep and THEN, at 4:00, Bean woke up and needed to be comforted. Fleh. I'm sleepy now and I know I could take a nap, but there's so much to be done and I took a 40 minute nap yesterday and felt groggy and yuck the rest of the afternoon because of it. So I think I'll skip that today, as badly as I want it.

It's so bizarre not to feel anything pregnancy-related. I won't see or hear or know anything about this little Peanut until my first pre-natal appointment in January and that seems strange. That all this time I could be thinking I was pregnant and then find out nearly 2 months in that I WAS pregnant but not viably so and that the baby stopped growing weeks ago or something. Because I'm just that asymptomatic. And not everyone has an actual miscarriage immediately, so it's dinstinctly possible that could happen - something could already have happened. Not that I'm worrying right now. Just that it's weird.

Did I ever mention in here that the night before we found out I'm pregnant, Bean said out of the blue, "I fink I'd like to have a little sister." Then last night, I was goofing off with her, pulling up my shirt and poking my belly out really far and she said, "Whoa! Mama, it looks like you have a baby in dere!" Al and I just looked at each other.

We're not keeping the baby a huge secret from her. We talk about Peanut in front of her but she doesn't seem interested. No need to tell her directly for awhile now. I'll tell her when I start showing a little, I guess. So she'll really have something tangible and visible to watch grow and (hopefully) be excited about.

I just took my first Belly Gallery photo. You can see it here. If you have any really great (somewhat modest) ideas about a neat, interesting artistic way to take these shots, let me know. I'd be very interested to try something different and special.

5 weeks, 2 days - waterworks

I'm still an emotionally scattered mess today. I keep wondering when that will go away. I just don't remember it from my pregnancy with Bean. Just weird things set me off, make me want to cry, or send me reeling into a sad, depressed funk. Today I walked into our bedroom and saw Bean's pink teddy bear lying on our bed and BOOM! I wanted to sink to my knees on the carpet... right there in the middle of the floor, and SOB, WAIL, FALL TO PIECES. Yet I have NO idea why. It just made me feel so completely sad and hopeless to see that bear on our bed. WHAT ON EARTH?

Also, MANY Christmas songs do the same thing. "And So This Is Christmas" - originally a John Lennon song, but sung by Celine Dion, which I wouldn't like anyway because I can't STAND Celine Dion, but I could tolerate, now makes me want to just SCREAM outloud and maybe do some sortof of damage to things around me. It's just awful.

So that's just hormones, I suppose. And that's the only thing I've got goin' on right now.

Although my breasts are slightly, and I mean very slightly, tender today.

Anyway RIGHT after the Bear episode today, which wasn't really an episode because I held it together despite my longings to dissolve into a puddle, I lay down for a short nap, joined by Al. And when he lay down, I started telling him, finally, what a WRECK I feel like inside. And finally.

FINALLY.

The tears came.

And they came and came and came. And I sobbed a little bit. And cried. And I TRIED to explain, but you really can't, can you? How insane it feels to be me right now.

How I am so sad, and lonely, and worried and panicked, and then I think about WHAT IT IS THAT I AM SO ALL THAT ABOUT and there's just nothing there, really, to pin it on. It's just. THERE.

And it is so not me. SO TERRIBLY AWFULLY DIFFICULTLY NOT ME. I mean I have my moments, but generally they just go away, but this time, I'm just a disaster. For weeks now. Only no one would know, really, except maybe... MAYBE... Bean, because she's always right there and when I get caught up in a bout of WHATEVER IT IS, I just fade away from her and she must notice that.

I still haven't had a good night's sleep. STILL. And it's getting to be sortof torture, this waking up at 12:30 or 1:00 AM just WIDE AWAKE, and then knowing I HAVE to get back to sleep. I just HAVE to. Or else.

It is really. The worst. Kind of hell! Insomnia. I loathe it. And with my emotions the way they are, I just don't want to risk taking anything to help me sleep because that stuff generally makes me depressed even when I'm doing fine emotionally. I fear what might happen if I were to get SADDER.

It's just so freakish.

Anyway after the sweet release after all those tears, I got held and cuddled and told, "Don't worry, little Mama, I've got your back." (He is such a guy sometimes!) and "I won't let anything happen to you!"

And he finally asked, "What can I do to help make it better?" and I just told him to be patient with me and my moods, listen, help me with Bean, give me some time alone, etc. And maybe he will. He has to go out of town for part of the week this week, but I think I'll be fine. Maybe I'll sleep better with him gone those few nights, who knows?

I took a short nap all cuddled up close to him and then we woke up STARVING just in time for Nicki to arrive bearing a beautiful dinner of salad, lasagna and delicious garlicky garlic bread. So sweet of her! And I ate it like I'd not eaten in days. (It felt like I hadn't, though I did eat "brunch" earlier in the day - eggs, sausage, toast and fruit salad).

So overall I feel better. At least I did talk to Al. Outloud. Instead of muttering under my breath, which is what I did the rest of the weekend. Because in addition to being sad, I've also been angry and resentful and hateful inside. And that's such a lousy feeling.

I confessed to Al in my big crying fit that sometimes I feel scared that I'm somehow going to morph completely into his ex-wife. Now we're going to have two kids, just like he had with her. I don't know why that panics me. I know we're different than they were. I guess that's just part of the evil of divorce - the seed of doubt it plants. The what ifs. Blah.

But no major pregnancy stuff.

Our anniversary is Thursday. Four years. FOUR. We are going out on a date for that. So yay!

5 weeks!

Once again, Diaryland ate a long, detailed update when I hit the "all done" button. Grr.

Things were better last night when Al got home. He got home about 25 minutes earlier than usual and for some reason, that makes this gigantic difference in my mind. Every single minute past 6:30 that his arrival is delayed I feel less and less happy, for some reason. I guess 6:30 is my absolute cut-off for dealing with the day on my own anymore. After that, I'm just fading into oblivion.

If I didn't know I was pregnant because of "passing" several tests and skipping my period, and you were to ask me, "Are you pregnant?" I would boldly say, "NOPE."

Cause I just ain't feelin' it this week, dog. I just feel like plain old me, only tired from insomnia.

I went back and read my last pregnancy diary, but it doesn't start until 16 weeks and even in the beginning of that one I was still "complaining" about the lack of symptoms and belly-growth. I never even wore maternity clothes until I was 18 weeks into it. At 16 weeks, I wrote that even my regular pants weren't too tight. So this is perfectly normal and fine for me, the not feeling anything different. And this time, I will be happy to go that long without many noticable changes, really, because I know that no matter how late it starts, I will get my fill of feeling pregnant by the time all is said and done. And I will also be paying more attention, probably, just because I feel so blessed to be experiencing this all again when I thought I was all done with it for good.

Another thing that is on my mind, of course, is nursing. A got a box of Christmas gifts in the mail from my sister today and she also included all my old baby bottles and rings, tops, and nipples.

Good heavens, I hope those don't even get used. At least not until way longer into Peanut's first year than I used them with Bean. But I wonder how Al will react this time to my nursing our Peanut. He was just sorta put out by it last time - desperately wanted to feel a part of things. Maybe having Bean around will give him purpose and he'll find the mother-child bond of nursing less frustrating this time?

I just know how I let people get into my head last time about nursing. How I gave in against my wishes and used formula to make everyone else happy when I didn't want to. It is true that nursing Bean almost constantly for the first few days was very very difficult for me, painful, exhausting, a shock to my system in so many ways, and who knows, maybe I really CAN'T keep up with the needs of a newborn, but I want to try. If I can't do it, I can't, but well, I don't need to experience defeat before I've done all the right things. And isn't it true that women produce up to 90% more milk the second time they nurse? Jemma, you had more success the second time.

I cannot tell you, dear, what hope you gave me for a more successful experience this time, long before I knew there was going to BE a this time. I am SO glad you documented your successes and let me celebrate them with you. I cling to those entries of yours very tightly when I start worrying about this baby's early nutrition. CLING!

All of you, actually, have done a fabulous job with nursing. I hope I can do a better job this time, myself. I wish there were something I could be doing NOW to make sure everything went well. Breast peptalks?

Ooops, the Bean's awake. Off to see what kind of post-nap mood she's in today!

4 weeks, 4 days - some hard stuff

And another day dawns...

Still not the best night's sleep last night but only this time I think because B woke up crying - her sheets were soaked through. Darn that cranberry juice/water combo I let her drink at 5 PM. Sigh.

I've got Nicki's two youngest boys here this morning - Bubba and Zachary - to play with Bean. They're 2 1/2 and almost 4. No sweat so far, in fact it's actually NICE. I have a little thing for both these boys, anyway. Bean is so nicely smack dab in the middle of the two of them, they're like little stairsteps. Sweet!

I have something on my mind. Something sorta big. Actually it's so big that it was one of the reasons I didn't think I'd have another child.

Here goes.

Alex, and I know ALL Mom's think this of their kids, so you won't be surprised to hear it, I know, is a fantastically special child. It is not just me who sees it, though. Most people she relates to say this to me. And I guess I get worried that a second baby won't be like that. I know he/she will be special to ME. Of course! But maybe not to the rest of the world. And maybe, like I felt for portions of my childhood, baby #2 will feel like LESS than his/her older sister. And that thought literally makes me cry just to type it. It's a lot to compensate for, for a parent, when the outside world responds more positively to one sibling than the other for whatever reason, and my parents didn't do it well. What if I can't?

Also I look at how beautiful and amazing and easy life has been for me... All my life. I've had a few bad things happen, sure, but absolutely no tragedies I've had to deal with. No hardships that have really tried me or tested me.

To be honest, it feels as if I'm due. As if God may use this new baby as an opportunity to draw me closer to Him through a very difficult situation I can't handle on my own, as I try to do most things.

It is a scary thing for me. To think my child may be sick, or disabled. Deformed. (I know that's not politically correct, but I can't think of another way to convey the REAL truth of what I'm worried about.) That this child may suffer, because I haven't suffered enough. And because I irresponsibly got pregnant at this age.

I know. You all think I'm nutty.

I knew you would.

But I'm disclosing my true guts here and that is a HUGE piece of what is inside me, spinning about, a tangled mass of fear, sadness among the joy and surprise and hope.

I HAVE been praying. For this baby. For Alex. For all of us. Heaven knows with all the time I spend awake at night there's time for prayer, shopping lists and solving the world's problems. But mostly I just think about the baby. And wonder. What is to come?

I went to the post office yesterday to mail a few packages. I had Bean with me, and getting her and the packages into the post office was a complete hairball. I just wanted to SCREAM at everyone around me. And Bean. And I WAS short with her, too.

I realized that there's no way I'd ever have even considered that trip with two kids. Not until they're like 3 and 7 years old. And it makes me feel so trapped. I am just so over-the-top independent and ... driven? To get stuff done and get it all done well, and quickly and move on to the next thing. Children make that impossible. I need to develop patience and an appreciation for the PROCESS of doing things, because right now I'm so focused on THE RESULT that anything or anyone who gets in my way tends to bear the brunt of my stubborn resentment and frustration.

Sigh.

Many, many times have I thought, while managing a project or task with Bean, while getting something done, completing a thought, with constant interruption, that I could NEVER be happy with more responsibility than I already have with one child and a husband who's gone 12 hours a day.

Yet I am happy. I will manage. Maybe I'll learn something.

4 weeks, 3 days

Still not sleeping that great. I went to bed last night at 9:30 PM but woke up at 1:45 and couldn't get back to sleep for more than an hour. Then I was up for the day at 5 AM.

I have zero symptoms of pregnancy right now, which is fine, except maybe I have increased appetite and food really does taste good - like amazingly good - to me. I'm still wanting that same salad I described yesterday. I've now eaten it for 5 lunches running. I seem to want savory things more than sweet, which is how it also always is during my "ladies time." I didn't want sweets often while pregnant with Bean, either. If I felt like splurging with some extra calories I almost always went for something cheesy and salty.

I am still thinking about MY GIRLS. I need to stop this immediately but my brain will not comply. This afternoon as I was having lunch across the table from Bean, I was imagining myself introducing her to her baby sister for the first time, "This is Bean, little one, she's your big sister. You don't know this yet, but she's going to be your best friend in the whole world for the rest of your life."

And then I had to change the subject in my head so I didn't openly weep right there into my salad bowl. Honestly, if I just let my brain do what it seems to want to do right now, I would just be lying around in a puddle of tears all day every day, making up little baby fantasies to cry over. I don't remember this from last time, but maybe like Jenn says, having that first baby turns all that stuff on.

I was telling Al last night that THIS time, this time after the baby arrives I AM going to take it easy for a few weeks. I AM. You ladies need to make sure I do, if you can. I was so ridiculous last time and I just wasted myself and those precious precious first few days with Bean by trying to do everything - to get things "back to normal" for the household and life well before anyone would have remotely expected it, well before it was time, really. And I paid for that in so many ways with Bean. Obviously we're both fine in the end, but I wish I could go back now and redo her first weeks in a softer, cozier, more mother-child centered way. There is a lot of advice I know I'll ignore this time around.

I am also getting a proper, real sling instead of using the Snugli right away. It worked okay, but I think a sling would be more supportive and easier to manage when the baby is tiny. I loved wearing Bean so much, but again because of sage "advice" I felt guilty for doing it and so didn't really ENJOY the experience as I should have.

I need to make a doctor's appointment but with Al's illness over the weekend I've completely fallen behind on everything I want to get done and I just FORGET in my haste to catch up that I need to do that. I will though. They probably won't want to see me until 6 weeks or so anyway and it's a practice that isn't that full, so the doctor has been pretty easy to get in to see so far.

I am awfully tired and still need to make the dough for the gingerbread house and set up a Christmas tree craft for Bean and me to do after her nap, so I guess I should leave this and come back to it later, maybe.

Oh, I had more cramps last night from dinner time until I went to bed and I'm having them again right now, but there's been no blood and my cervix is closed up tight. I think it's just the 'settling in' cramping.

4 weeks, 2 days - the train story and the vainglory

Yesterday was rough, with Al in bed all day long feeling incredibly horrible. Alex and I ran some errands before the weather got too bad. It was snowing by the time we got home but after that we had about an inch of sleet and freezing rain so I was really glad we got home before all that started.

I've been wracking my brain HARD to try to figure out when my LMP started. I THINK I have it figured out based on what I can recall of a phone conversation I had with Al on November 2. I remember speaking with him early one morning and laughingly telling him, "Well, we got through another bout of PMS without any major fights. My "ladies time" (he got that from Everybody Loves Raymond - I'm not allowed to call it my "period" to him because for some reason that just icks him out) was here," And then, I think and he thinks I said "so now we can have a nice, happy, fun weekend!" The math with the oops sex we've had doesn't really work, though, even with that LMP date. We had unprotected sex on November 10th, which was 8 days later, and I normally have a 27-28 day cycle which means I should have ovulated on or around November 15th or 16th. So five or even six days later! Then the next time we even had sex at all, and THAT was using a Today Sponge (oh, the TMI factor of this post is completely in the RED ZONE!) was on November 17th. I am thinking that the Sponge failed me. Or I ovulated early. Either way, it was a long shot to get pregnant, but here I am. And either way, if my LMP started Nov. 2, I'm about 4 wks. 2 days pregnant now.

With Bean I found out ON the day my "ladies time" was to start. This time I found out at 3 wks. 2 days. Can you believe it's already been a week since I found out? Can you believe I got a postive reading at 3 wks. 2 days? (Julie please don't say anything about twins, you're killin' me!)

I've had a very brief two-breasted flash of that achey/hot/twingy feeling and one kindof shaky moment today, but other than that, despite the fact that I haven't had a decent night's sleep in well over a week, I feel pretty normal, energetic and "myself." Last night I had some cramping and lower back pain before I went to bed, but no blood. And now that I'm sitting here writing, I'm feeling those cramps again a little bit and that sortof bubbly feeling in my pelvis, too, that I remember clearly from Bean.

I'm back down to 129.5 lbs. again today. I've been eating fine, (I've wanted the same salad, lettuce with cubed turkey, shredded cheese, carrots and black olives with ranch dressing) for lunch the past 3 days. One day with croutons. (I know you're just breathless with excitement to even get that level of detail - down to the croutons! WOW!) With one meal a day being a salad and the others generally lightish (because I don't want to overeat - makes me feel SO FULL and uncomfortable) and not much snacking and virtually no sweets, I normally would lose a little weight. And then I just think because I've been really active and NOT sitting around snacking like I sometimes do, so I'm just shedding a few ounces here and there, and that's okay.

We've actually now found a boy name we both like! Actually it's a name, again, that we COULD use for a boy or a girl. It's sortof a modernish name but the middle name would be Culver, so that gives it good grounding and strength. The name is Keaton Culver. What think ye? Of course we aren't dead set on that one yet for boy OR girl, but it's one we both immediately thought sounded really nice all together with our surname.

I introduced Camille as another potential girl name, and I'm working on getting Al to consider it. He doesn't like Camille all that much but he does like the potential nickname of Cami. He does NOT like Lorelai and doesn't appear to even want to consider it. POOO.

I am really pining for another girl today. It's a grey, miserable day outside right now and my Mama's heart just looks into the future and envisions a day like this when Bean and Peanut are maybe 8 and 4, and we're here in this very kitchen together all warm and together, Daddy at the counter and me and my GIRLS (my girls! Alice, I totally get now why saying, "MY BOYS" makes you so happy and proud!) at the island working on a gingerbread house together. I can hear their voices and see their beautiful faces and something about it just feels so RIGHT. I love the thought of two girls. I hate even saying it though because it makes me all scared I'll feel disappointed if I don't get that. Even though I know that if Peanut is a boy, a day would come very soon when I would know God chose exactly the right little boy for me. I know that because I wanted Bean to be a boy and looky looky how wrong I was that time!

Sigh.

OH! While Bean and I were out yesterday, a lady at one of the stores (who was really pretty herself) stopped me to tell me how beautiful Bean is, which happens (I hate to brag but I'm just telling the truth) multiple times every time I take her anywhere, only this time she looked at me and said, "But you are so beautiful too, so how could she not be beautiful." MAN! No one (besides Al, which is enough for me) has called me beautiful in SUCH a long time. Maybe since before Bean was born. It made me feel so so so good, because I've been, very selfishly and shallowly as is my way, unfortunately, worrying about how having a second baby will effect my body and my overall looks (I know y'all roll your eyes at this stuff... you're so not shallow and vain like I am, sigh, but you ARE all beautiful.), and her compliment made me feel just so much better. I swear I'd have hugged her if I didn't think it would have freaked her out.

So yes, my body is one thing I've been wondering about.

I also wanted to show y'all this picture:

You can't make it out that well in this tiny shot, but on the engine of the train says, "The Surnames," and then each consective car says, "Sissy" or "Buddy" or "Bean." I bought and had the train personalized last year this time and displayed it all season long. Thing is, while I was standing in line with my engine and my three cars, I just felt this WEIRD sense that I needed to get a fourth car. I reasoned with myself for a few minutes that I did NOT need a fourth car, because we have THREE children, but darn it the feeling I had to HAVE that fourth car wouldn't be denied, so I picked up another and paid for it after the other cars had all been personalized.

I do remember making mention of this to Jenn in an email and her getting all squealy. Do you remember that Jenn?

And now Peanut will have his/her car on the Surname Family Christmas Express come this time next year. Our tiny little caboosey-pie baby Peanut.

Sniffle!

P.S. Edited to add that in looking at the times and conditions under which Peanut was conceived, it seems more likely to me that she would be a she, because in either case, the sperm had to be extra strong to make it to the egg, either to have survived for a long time OR to have survived through spermicide. Unless the early ovulation happened, in which case, you know, whatever. But also I know Alice you thought the conditions surrounding conception of at least one of your sweet boys seemed more conducive to having a girl, and we see how that panned out, right? Still, it's something I've thought of so in the interest of full disclosure, there you have it!

and so...

I want to ask y'all something in all honesty, okay? I NEED your honest answers because they WILL make the difference in my decision-making here.

I *whispers* do not care much for the mechanics of Diaryland now that I've ventured forth into the world of Blogger. Blogger is easier, it's faster, it's more fun, it's more reliable AND it doesn't lose entries when I do stupid things because it autosaves every time I hit a key.

I would LIKE to host Peanut's(?) pregnancy diary on Blogger. But I do NOT want to do Peanut's pregnancy diary somewhere you won't come on a regular basis to read and comment. I can still make the diary private on Blogger and I think I can even coerce Jenn to help me do what she's done with HER Diaryland diary, so it reflects updates and leads you to the Blogger one.

If I did that, would y'all come with me? Or would it be too much of a hassle?

Do any of you have Bloglines, Feedburner or Google Readers? If you don't, you might consider trying one of them out if you read any other blogs besides the ones here on Diaryland. They are SO GREAT. They're exactly like your buddy list here at Diaryland EXCEPT they accomodate all blogs (and newsfeeds and a million other updated online media) in one place, so you can one stop shop the items you read on a daily basis (or whatever.)

So answer that one question for me (or were there two?) and I'll decide what to do.

I'M GONNA HAVE A BELLY GALLERY THIS TIME! AND HOPEFULLY SOME OTHER NEATO STUFF, TOO.

And I'll get to have a ticker again.

Al has the bug as of last night. Poor guy dealt with two sick women at the beginning of the week, worked 5 days and came home for a nice relaxing weekend only to end up 5 hours into his relaxing weekend with his head in the potty. And he? Is pathetic. It is so sad.

We had been looking at the weather report all week long and planning to go get our Christmas tree today and have it home and in its stand by the time the SNOW starts around 3 PM, but I am guessing that's not going to happen afterall.

Next year at Christmas, I'll have a four month old and a 4 year old. Jiminy Cricket. We were thinking of going to London next year around Christmas like we did in 2003. Guess we'll do it in 2011 or so.

Okay Bean is ready for her breakfast now!

rollercoastery

I'm back. I DID take another pregnancy test - about 30 minutes ago and yes indeed, the bun is still in the oven. The positive line is way way WAY stronger, so not only is the bun still in there, it's prgressing nicely.

I am feeling tired and overwhelmed today. Still no decent sleep last night. I woke up at 12:30 and 3:30 and each time it took me well over an hour to get back to sleep. I felt queasy for a long time - up until about noon, I think, but that sometimes happens to me when I don't sleep anyway, so maybe not related to the pregnancy yet. It's so early, really, for anything like morning sickness to kick in. Though of course not impossible.

Nevertheless Bean and I went out and ran some errands. It's SO cold outside, and windy. The wind just blasts away - I can hear it all around me in the house and it's a lonely, cold sound I don't care for. I love cold, either sunny or grey or snowy, but I don't like wind, regardless the temperature.

Everything still makes me cry. I heard that dumb "Met my old lover in the grocery store..." song, the one that ends with "and the snow.turned in.to. RAAAAAAAAAIN" (you know which one I'm talking about?) TWICE today while out running errands. On the loudspeakers in stores. Stores that were playing Christmas music. That is NOT a Christmas song - it's SAD. Anyway, TWICE, I had to just concentrate and make loud, distracting conversation with Bean and TRY not to hear that song because EVERY note of it just stabs at my little emotional heart. I seriously though I was going to have to sit down in the produce department at one point and just blubber like a baby. I also heard that Gloria Estafan song, "I Wanna See Christmas Through Your Eyes." Don't like that one much either and IT made me want to weep silently into the unsalted cream butter display.

Sigh. I really really loathe being emotional like this. It is SO not who I am.

On a positive note, I am laughing some again. I laughed a little yesterday and last night and then again this morning at the antics of Al and Bean. I can't remember specifics other than last night when we were going to sleep, Al was trying to set the sleep timer on our new bedroom TV. We already had the lights off and he hit the wrong button on the remote and accidentally ejected a DVD out of the side of the TV. (Which we'd never done before.) It fell out, rolled across the dresser and onto the floor, making a loud thud when it hit the carpet. We both just looked at one another wondering what on earth had happened. Al got up to investigate and found the CD and held it up, wide-eyed.

"It pooped out a telly-turd!"

OH MY GOSH. I really dislike that word, turd. I NEVER say it, and rarely find it even mildly amusing, but the way he said it, all surprised and full of wonder, it was just so incredibly perfectly timed and delivered. I thought I was going to wet the bed I was laughing so hard.

Anyway. I love to laugh. That I'm actually laughing again (the first few times since the stomach flu and the Big News) shows that I'm getting back to my normal self again. Which is a relief to me, even if it's scary to everyone else, hee hee.

But today HAS been a little harder. More like how I felt Tuesday, I guess. Tired and overwhelmed. I'm glad it's the weekend and I'll have Al here to lean on for a couple of days. I really need him to keep me rational when I'm all jumbled up like this.

I've had a few tiny little abdominal twinges today, but nothing of major consequence. I felt around for my cervix this morning it's all tucked way back and up like a dog's tail between its legs like it feels guilty or embarrassed or scolded. Naughty cervix! Hee hee.

No breast action either.

My nose is a little stuffy and I'm still thirsty like nobody's business.

I weighed about 131 lbs. this morning. That stomach bug was well timed. I'm starting this pregnancy at a really good, normal weight for me.

Food tastes extra good. Not as good as it tasted yesterday (ohmygosh yesterday I made beef stew over rice and I literally wanted to climb in the bowl and swim in it, it tasted so good to me!), but I'm tired, so that sortof explains it. I have to test out a couple of the dishes I'm making for the Christmas party this, so I hope my tastebuds are accurate. I'm bummed I won't be enjoying the pomegranate sangria I'm making as my featured cocktail. RATS!

blip in the plans

This morning I don't feel all that great, physically or emotionally. I'm a little queasy but also my stomach just HURTS. I assume that's not pregnancy but a symptom of my chronic GERD issues, triggered by a little STRESS?

Everything's getting on my nerves.

It's not too late for all of this to be PMS, either, and boy won't I have egg on my face if my period starts? (Unfertilized, boring old egg, that is.)

many things of varying degrees of consequence

I noticed a few days ago that I've been really thirsty lately. It was before the virus hit, so not related to the dehydration that would have caused. I feel thirsty almost constantly, but then I don't ever get around to drinking very often. I don't think I'm drinking like WAY less than I should be, it's just I feel thirsty. I was parched while I was pregnant with Bean, too, but dehydration was never an issue.

And I woke up SO HUNGRY at 2:00 AM this morning. SO HUNGRY. My head hurt and I felt completely hollow and achey and cavernous inside. And, because I didn't want to risk waking anyone else up, I just tried to ignore it and fall back to sleep. And didn't. For way too long. I think I only got a little less than 5 hours' sleep last night. Not good. But I'm not tired today.

I'm taking a banana upstairs and putting it in the bathroom tonight. That's not going to happen ever again!

Al and I talked about baby names last night. Boy names are TOUGH. He really isn't wild about the two top names I like for a boy.

He thinks the baby is a girl, anyway. He has been right about EVERY baby born to every person we've even remotely known since I met him. He was right about Bean from day one. So. We'll see. He loves Kathryn for a girl, shortened to Katie. I have to admit I love that name too. Kathryn, or Catherine, Rose. Pretty name.

Too soon to decide for sure though.

Oh, he likes Max for a boy.

All I can think of when he says that is "maxi pads." I don't want my kid to ever be called such a thing.

We also both like Gabriel, but Al's a little bit more southern than I am and he pronounces it "Gaybrul" which I can't stand. I can imagine that hearing your baby-daddy mispronounce his own kid's name could get a little tiresome after awhile. So that's a big no.

We stayed busy today, the Bean and me. We had to go to a last minute pow-pow at a neighbor's house this morning that we didn't find out about until 20 minutes beforehand and when we did find out we were both all unshowered and rumpled and in our pajamas, putting up Christmas decorations. You've never seen two ladies get clean, dressed and ready to go faster than us. It was like a cartoon. We made it though, only about 8 minutes late. And Bean even watched a few minutes of Sesame Street while I was in the shower.

I'm worried about clothes. I got rid of all my in-between clothes from last pregnancy. I mean the larger sized regular clothes. I think I have a pair of black pants I might can wear through the transition. (I wore them throughout Bean's pregnancy - they were my favorites.) And maybe since my jeans are lower rise they'll last awhile. As long as my butt doesn't get huge quickly. But that's pretty much it. I don't like wearing sweats or drawstringy casual pants out and about. I don't think it's BAD to do, it just isn't my particular style. Maybe I'll go look at Goodwill or something for some size 8s to get me through most of the winter. Then in the spring and summer I'll have my maternity things. Obviously they'll need a slight update here and there, but most of the pieces I have are kinda classic.

I went into the basement to get my Pregnancy Week by Week book today and found some of my old maternity and nursing bras. They're so HUGE. I almost screamed when I looked at them. I can't BELIEVE these little things are going to be that BIG again. How did they DO that? Bizarre. I swear I called myself "Jugs" (inside my own head of course!) though the entire second and third trimester last time. Why did those things not make enough milk? What were they DOING in there, if not filling up with milk.

Speaking of which, I had AWFUL, nightmarish engorgement when my milk came in with Bean. I DO NOT EVER WANT TO EXPERIENCE THAT KINDOF PAIN AGAIN. It was truly worse than labor. Should I buy or rent a hospital grade pump to get me through it? Did y'all have that problem, can you remember?

And I was so hot. SO HOT. After I delivered. For weeks! Why does that happen?

Okay I feel a bath coming on. I AM actually starting to feel a little sleepy now, finally.

Ow, pain in the lower left pelvis.

Hello little person! Whatcha doin' in there?

Thanks y'all. You are literally saving my little life right now.

and the happy hormones are a'crankin'

Today's been SOOOO much better, in every way! Thank you God!

Let's see. I'm barely nauseous anymore, so I guess it probably was just the tummy bug lingering yesterday. And I feel much less tired, too, I guess since I rested from 7 last night to 7 this morning. Not slept, but rested. I'm sure I needed it since I'd been up throwing up literally ALL NIGHT LONG Sunday night. And Monday night was little better.

Today I sortof eased into the day with Bean. I let her watch cartoons in my bed for awhile so I could read a few of my favorite blogs and rest more. We got up and ate at about 8:30, I think, and I ate another peanut butter South Beach bar but this time I added half a tangerine and a big glass of water. And I took my vitamins, too. And it all sat pretty well!

I did two loads of laundry, vaccuumed the entire house, wired thirty something yards of fake grapevine garland on the staircase, and some other stuff I can't remember right now. Then Bean and I took a bath. Which is nice because Bean loves to "wash" my hair, and it FEELS SO GREAT! She's finally developed a gentle enough touch that I don't wince, instead I can just relax and enjoy having her pour hot water over my hair and dabble around in it gently. I could easily fall asleep if I didn't have to sit upright for the deal.

Anyway, we took a bath. Then we had lunch. And Bean took her nap. And I tried to get our internet connection fixed (painter did something when he disconnected everything to move some furniture, ugh.)

Why am I daylogging? Not what I wanted to say at all. I guess that's all my way of saying I feel perky and good again and stayed active all day and I feel fine tonight, physically which makes me feel way better emotionally, too.

Thought more about baby names. I like Rose for a middle name. I've always loved the boy's name David too. (Hugs Jenn) And Culver (my maternal grandfather's surname) for a boy's middle name. Haven't run any of these by Al yet, though. But I did tell him I'd like a new crib for this baby. One that converts to a bed. Maybe I'll change my mind though. The old crib has Alex's teeth marks in it!

No breast twingies or cramps or anything today. My breasts do feel kindof sausage-y tight in my skin though. I remember that feeling from last time too. These things take on a life of their own in pregnancy. In a month, I won't be able to see my cute brown velvet shoes with the bows anymore. All I'll see when I look down are The Twins. Ugh.

I talked to my Mom again today. I think I mis-something'd what she said. She's not being mean when she says my being pregnant doesn't really impact her life. She's ... protecting herself. I live 1000 miles away from her and I'm 40 and pregnant. It scares her for me to be pregnant - I'm HER baby. And there isn't a DARN thing she can do for me from where she is. When she says, "It doesn't impact my life too much." I think she means, "I wish it did, but it can't/won't." Because I am so far away. She never says anything about it (stoic) but I don't imagine she's wild about my living so far away.

She sent me an email BEFORE I told her I was pregnant but AFTER I told her I'd gotten the bug. This is what it said:

Hope you feel all better soon. I have a gallon of turket broth in the fridge. Wish I had you here. I would make you the best soup on the planet when you felt like eating again and until then Al and Alex could survive on some. Love, Mom

I promise I'm not being defensive. I just wanted to slide this in here because I know my Mom loves me. If there's anything in the world I've learned from being a mother myself it's that you DO the BEST you can, and sometimes it is the right thing, and sometimes it's the wrong thing, and sometimes it just IS. And my Mom does the right thing about 98% of the time, which is maybe why the wrong things always feel so awful to me.

But thank you ALL for being so beautifully supportive and ALWAYS coming to my defense and rescue when you feel I'm being treated badly. That's the best feeling in the world, it really really is.

Anyway, where was I? I think I'll leave it at that for now.

Baby names. Thinking about cribs.

OH! At first (like yesterday) I was thinking this baby has to be a girl has to be a girl has to be a girl because well, what on earth would I do with a boy. But then today Bean said, "Mom, yer my bess friend" and I realized, if this baby IS a girl, Bean and I might not be able to BE bess friends anymore. We might have to share that, or the new baby girl might take my place. But if it's a boy, he'd have his own special role. He'd be my little buddy. And Bean would always be my bess friend. I know it sounds silly, but in my own little head it makes PERFECT sense.

And makes it okay for this to be a girl, or a boy. So I will live with it!

I haven't taken another pregancy test. I guess I should. And make an appointment with my OB/GYN. I don't even know where the good birthing hospital is around here.

Mama likes her luxury hospitals. Five star all the way, baby.

the wee hours of the morning

Still queasy this morning and rapidly losing hope all the nausea can be attributed to the stomach bug! Panic panic.

I feel better emotionally this morning though, and I can directly attribute that to the fact that every one of you are saying such wonderful, helpful, TRUE, supportive things when you comment. I also told my friend and neighbor Nicki yesterday and she jumped up and down, squealed and hugged me and then sat and listened and supported and hugged me more while I cried.

I am SO much more emotional already this pregnancy than I was with Bean. It's crazy! I just feel like crying all the time, and when I search deep down inside myself I'm all "What is so sad you need to cry?" and there's no rational answer, I just. Do. Need to cry. It feels like the worst PMS I've ever had. I don't seem to own my own brain right now.

Also, I already have THE NOSE. When B and I were at the grocery store yesterday I was literally ASSAULTED with smells around ever corner. Perfumes, foods, cleaning agents. This has been going on for a couple of days now.

I'm having lots of stretchy little aches and cramps in my abdomen. Not painful or scary, just, you know, there. My breasts did that little elecrical thing more yesterday, too, although mostly the left one, which interestingly enough was always the one that produced more milk when I was nursing Bean. And as I recall it did more of the electrical stuff with her pregnancy too. She preferred it to the right one when she nursed. Sometimes she'd fidget and fuss at the right and then would settle down happily at the left. And the left is slightly bigger, pregnant or not, as well. Interesting.

My mom (Nana) called yesterday to see how I was feeling from the stomach flu, and I told her I'm pregnant. She screamed (like she'd seen a cartoon mouse, is how I'd describe it). Not like a serious, OMG! scream, more like a laughing Oh Wow THAT'S a shock! scream. She seems happy/humored by my news, I suppose. She said It doesn't really impact her life much. And, well, no, as sortof brutal as that sounded initially, I suppose it doesn't. It's hard to believe that while I sit and worry frantically about how it will change my family's life, really, we're the only people who will notice the change much at all.

I haven't told my sister yet. I think I'd like to, even though she hasn't told me about any of her pregnancies until she's been in her second trimester. I'm thinking I might want to blog about this experience though, in the public blog and she reads there, so.

The house is back together after all the painting. It looks nice. I was completely shattered (as Jemma would say, or do you say that Jemma?) by nightfall after all of the emotional upheaval and the day's worth of activity and then getting the house put back together. I went to bed at 7 pm. Makes me wonder how much of the stuff I'd planned to do this year for Christmas - and I had a lot planned - may have to be set aside for a few years. I'm dying to decorate though but first I have to clean all the floors and dust and stuff as I'd put all that off until after the painters came. Then I can decorate.

We're having a holiday party on December 15. Probably 24ish people. I just have to make cocktails and a few appetizers because it's a progressive party, but even the thought of that is kindof scary now. I also promised myself I'd make a gingerbread house and decorate it and bake the ham biscuits for the neighbors (I'd be making close to 150 biscuits if I made them for everyone I want to make them for) (and biscuits are complicated!) Maybe I'll by the frozen, bagged biscuits and just put the ham in and be done with it. I'd hate to not do it at all.

The Christmas cookies I really wouldn't mind skipping. The shopping's mostly all done except a few stocking stuffers. Just have to wrap.

OHMYGOSH I'M SO HUNGRY ALL OF A SUDDEN.

I mentioned to Al that now might be a good time to go ahead and finish our basement, so we can have a proper play room and place for Bean and me to go sometimes during the day when the baby is sleeping and stuff. He said, "I was thinking that too!" It's nice to be in synch with him. The idea of construction in the house every day sounds awful, but having that comfy place down there for all of us, and an extra place for visiting family, would be so nice and would potentially cut down on my worry factor.

I should try to go back to sleep for a little while now.

more stuff from today

Argh. The painter is playing country music. Just loud enough. Well, I think it's country. Anyway, that, in combination with the paint fumes and the remnants of the tummy bug are all combining right now to make for a very green, very uncomfortable, very "this is not my house" feeling. I'm sitting in my own house, feeling like I don't belong.

Which is kinda how I feel about being pregnant. Like it's a nice enough way to be, just not where I belong. I'm 40. I know, 40s not that old... lots of women choose to have babies in their 40s and it all works out well for them. And it'll likely work out just fine for us, too. I worry though that my Advanced Maternal Age will lead to a baby with problems. A child who will have more needs, who will suffer. I pray not.

The whole house is a complete disaster - I've had to move everything around, take stuff off of walls and shelves, etc. - for the painters. We've eaten our meals on the beds upstairs (Picnics!), and my lifeblood, my cord of life, my connection to the internet, is currently disconnected, so I'm typing this on Notepad because I have to write. I have to talk.

Bean and I got up and dressed this morning. I forced down a peanut butter South Beach Bar, which was gross, but I had to eat something. I actually felt a lot better after eating that, so I decided we'd go to the grocery store. When I got all dressed and ready and looked in the mirror at myself, I felt pretty good again. I look more like myself today. I put on my cute jeans, my little teal sweater and my brown velvet shoes with the bows, and my hair looked nice, and I thought, "A woman who looks young and vibrant like this... this woman can carry a baby. And do it well." And we went to the grocery store. On the way, both of my breasts did that electrical thing at the same time. I know now, this time around, that it feels quite a bit like milk letting down. Not as strong, but very similar. It's amazing that while my mind and soul are still trying to deny and fight the concept of a pregnancy, my body is all full-speed ahead, growing this baby, getting all the systems lined up again.

A body like that can carry a baby, too.

I shopped with Alex walking along beside me, my little buddy. Not in the cart, like she's been for so long, because recently she's begun to do very well at staying with me and "helping me shop," rather than running off so that I have to chase after her, or touching and grabbing things so that I'm constantly having to tell her to put things back, stop touching, etc. We had a good time. I bought a 3 lb. box of Cheez-Its. I ate SO MANY CHEEZ-ITS when I was carrying Bean. I'm surprised she wasn't born an orange square. Also bought some gingerale. I had no morning sickness at all with Bean. I have a scary feeling I may not be so lucky this time, although it's too soon to tell because the queasiness I feel right now may certainly be the bug, still. I don't WANT a very different pregnancy this time. I want a very similar one to Bean's, if only to give me some sense of "I've done this before it's no big deal I can manage it again." Obviously it'll be different circumstantially - I live in a new place, I already have one child, I'm not going to work every day. But physically, I'd love to FEEL the same as I did with Bean. That'd be good.

Good Heavens this music is GRATING on my nerves. I'm a basket case.

You know, before I got pregnant, I knew exactly what I'd name another baby if I had one. Now, the names I've picked out don't sound that great to me.

Still toying with Lorelai for a girl though. Still think that one's a goodie.

Rory for short. Alex and Rory. Not bad? Is it too silly to name your kid after both Gilmore Girls? At least they got cancelled, right? Few years time, no one will even remember.

And to think, I pictured myself ending up with a CAT named Lorelai. Just so I'd get to use the name.

waiting for the happy hormones

Yesterday was no fun! Except reading comments/notes here... those were fun.

I spent the whole day in bed, trying to sleep but not being all that successful except a few catnaps here and there, maybe a total of 2 hours over the course of the day. Al took care of Bean, and was very sweet to me. Bean was extra cute, too.

I am freaking out. I'm sad, depressed, scared, angry... all the things I shouldn't be. All the things I've been afraid I would be if I ever got pregnant again. What if I don't get over these feelings? What if this baby is doomed to be resented? What if I can't love it?

I was just so done with this baby phase of life. I don't know if I can do it again. I'm just finally feeling like I can do a few things that I want to do... the new blog, a few household/crafting projects. I feel, with Bean at 3, so ... free. Well, free-er than I did when she was small. I'm having to adjust my thinking about everything now. We'd planned to start traveling again - we were dating and feeling young and in love again. I could see the future - us, Bean... taking on the world together. She's so easy to do things with, so happy and flexible and grown up for her age.

I don't know. I'm just not in a very baby place right now.

I feel so different from the way I felt when I found out about Bean. I was soooooooooo elated. Felt so peaceful and ready and started planning and dreaming of her immediately. This time I'm still thinking maybe it's a mistake... maybe a false positive? Maybe life can just stay how it is afterall?

I know this all sounds awful. You're all so happy and excited and here I sit, the MAMA of the baby, wishing I could BE excited, waiting for those feelings to kick in. What if they don't?

I don't want to share myself with anyone else right now. I want to be Bean's Mama and Al's wife. I'm good at those things, most days.

Physically, I do wonder if some of this nausea is morning sickness. I know at least part of it is the bug because I've had fever and diahrrea too and that's not common in morning sickness, plus the timing of when it started. I feel a little bit better this morning although still nauseous (but not vomiting) and I still have awful diahrrea. (Sorry!) I do think the fever is gone right now because the aches are gone. I still just wan to sleep all day but that won't be an option because Al has to go to work for sure and the painters will be here all day again finishing the living room.

I've had a few of those sharp little electrical twingey feelings in my left nipple since last Friday... I remember those from early in my pregnancy with Bean. I've also had a few one-sided little pains in my pelvic area, too, just like with Bean. I had lots of spotting from mid-cycle to just a few days ago, but nothing at all since Saturday. My skin seems very clear.

I've lost about 4 pounds in the last 36 hours, and I weigh about 129.5 this morning, maybe a little big less. I'm drinking water and I ate a few crackers last night, but other than that, the thought of anything to eat or drink just sounds awful. I didn't have any morning sickness with Bean, so I'll be interested to see if the nausea I feel today goes away with the bug or if maybe I'm going to have some this time. I sure hope not.

Al seems somewhat bothered and confused by my reaction to all this news. He's wanted another baby for awhile now, though I think he'd finally accepted that we weren't going to do it. When I showed him the test Sunday night, he couldn't see the second line for a long time, and then he finally did. He didn't seem happy or unhappy, though. He just went to bed and slept all night while I worried and tossed and turned and then the bug hit and I was busy vomiting while he slept. I don't know how to tell him what I need from him. I don't KNOW what I need from him. He was so much better yesterday - smiling and playing with Bean and taking care of me. He hasn't said much about this baby, other than a few times saying, "See how sweet Bean is? You know you wanna have another one just like her!"

I wish it were that simple. I really really do.

brace yourself

Hiya!

I don't know if anyone reads this diary anymore. Well, I mean, nobody reads it currently because I haven't updated it in awhile, obviously, but I don't know if any of you have this one on your buddy list still. If you do, wow, are you in for a big surprise.

Like I was. Just a minute ago. When, after feeling weird and just different for a few days, I randomly took a pregnancy test and, well.

Two Pink Lines. The second is very faint, but it's there alright. I have sorta suspected this was coming for over a week now. My body just knows when it's pregnant.

We weren't trying. But remember I've said before if God decided He wanted us to have another little baby and I got pregnant despite my efforts to thwart such a thing, I'd be overjoyed and know it was His plan? Well, here we have it! Though the overjoyedness hasn't quite happened yet, I feel confident that it will.

I will post more here later. And, as long as everything goes well over the next few weeks, move this all over to Mamabean and - OHMYGOSH I can't believe I'm saying this - start documenting another pregnancy, birth, and babyhood.

Jiminy Cricket. I'm pregnant.

And really, really shocked and scared.

And, edited hours later to add, I have Alex's tummy bug, so I've been up all night vomiting and worrying.

all belly, all the time

Weekly belly photos (from 5 weeks) start right after this new "time-lapse" video of belly growth from week 19 to the present:

5 weeks, 4 days
Only thing to see here is the leftover flubber from Bean and some pasty white winter skin.


8 weeks, 2 days
No bump, but my abdomen is beginning to look like a tree trunk. "Slight thickening," my foot! It already feels and looks as though I have intestines up around my ribcage. Which I probably do.


10 weeks
Ho hum! Nothing goin' on on the outside, but there IS a baby in there, I have seen it with mine own two eyes now.


11 weeks, 2 days
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Last pregnancy this time, I was getting frustrated that there were no outward signs. This time I'm wiser and enjoying life in my "normal" winter clothes and being thankful for a slow-growing belly. All in good time, my pretty. All in good time.


12 weeks, 1 day
BOING! The position of the waistband of these pants doesn't really show off the huge change the belly has made in the past week, but you can definitely tell there's been a change. Clothed, it's now pretty evidently round and bumpish.


13 weeks
Yeah, I know. Where'd it go? Oh well, like I said, False Belly Alarm last week! Back to my normal self mostly again. Pardon the pajamas - I'll be back to jeans next time - this time I was in a big old hurry!

14 weeks
I skipped the 14 week picture because we were at the beach with my family and on that Friday I was a big ol' constipated, bloated gasbag from all the delicious but disagreeable to the Mama-tummy fried seafood and such. I looked like I eventually will at about 34 weeks. It was most unpleasant to look at AND feel. My Mom pointed at me in horror at one point and said, "Megan, you're HOW far along?" When I told her, her eyes got huge and she said, "I predict you're going to be HUGE in a few months!!!" Ha ha, fooledja Mom! As I recall actual baby bump is much more fun.


15 weeks
Yeah, I know. Still kinda dull from the outside. I think if I were a thinner person to begin with, you'd see more, but I guess there's plenty o' camouflage in that flubber of mine.



16 weeks
It just must be a very tall, thin baby. That's all I can figure out. I know he/she is in there and growing because I can feel the top of my uterus moving up and up, but dang, this thing just won't make a bump!



17 weeks
Grainy picture - Mama's gettin' lazy with these belly shots. We have a doctor's appointment today, so I'll update about that later. The belly IS growing. I should push in the top part, right below my sternum. It's so saggy up there that the belly just sorta blends in. But when I lie on my back there is a pretty noticeable little round protrusion right where it should be. Hold on, lemme see if I can take a picture of that...



17 Weeks, So You Can Actually See Sump'm!
AHA! There we go! See? BUMP!


18 Weeks, New Angle Option


18 weeks, Old Angle


19 Weeks.
Other women get cute little shapely baby bumps. I get a beer belly.


19 Weeks with the assistance of gravity.
The baby isn't so bunched up anymore. The bump is longer from top to bottom, but not poking out quite so far. Right?


20 Weeks.
Halfway there. Looks bigger this week!


20 Weeks View 2.
Definitely bigger. Definitely.


21 weeks.
Fat bellied Mama! (That's my finger from the hand in the back, not my belly button!)


21 weeks, View 2.
I used my hand to press down all the extra baggage around my midsection so you can see the shape of the bump. It's really growing these days! But I still have on my regular jeans. WOOT!


22 Weeks.


22 Weeks, View 2.


22 Weeks, Face.
Photo by Bean. I don't know why I look so pained. I'm really not pained at all.


23 Weeks.


23 Weeks, View 2.


24 Weeks


24 Weeks, View 2


25 Weeks


25 Weeks, View 2


27 Weeks


27 Weeks, View 2


29 Weeks - Whole Self, Whoohoooo!


30 Weeks


30 Weeks, View 2


30 Weeks, Face


31 Weeks


31 Weeks, View 2


32 Weeks


32 Weeks, View 2


32 Weeks, Front View
Tiny belly button. Still no stretch marks. Thank you, heredity.


35 Weeks. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!


35 Weeks, View 2


35 Weeks, Front View. Belly button still hanging in there!


37 Weeks


37 Weeks, Side View


38 Weeks


38 Weeks View Two


38 Weeks, Belly Button Will. Not. Give. Up.


41 Weeks (Peanut was born at 39 weeks, 6 days.)


41 weeks with belly's previous contents.


41 weeks, View 2


41 weeks, View 2 with former tenant.